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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

But the feeling passed in a second and I became overwhelmed by the surprise at how joyful it felt to hold the baby to my chest and breathe in his smell. It was like all the stories I’d read about the instant rush of love mothers experienced. Because of my son’s birth, I hadn’t been able to hold him after he was born and the pain and the drugs meant I never had the suddenness of that feeling. But now I was feeling it for real. I whispered Jack for a second time into his tiny, delicate, soft pink ear and I realised how much I loved him. Baby Jack! It was so different from the start – and I was so different with him. The name Jack lost all its connotations and became reborn. Selena encouraged me to have Jack as much as I wanted. The slight, pale, near-silent teenager showed little interest in her baby, and so it felt like I was a mother again.

So it was me who pushed his pram through the streets. Even that pram was on steroids compared to the old one I’d had my son in – I bought Jack the best, a Bugaboo, amazed at how it could turn on a dime. It felt like motherhood but newer and fresher and easier. No sore boobs, no vaginal stiches or postpartum bleeding. Just this tiny person who was so easy to love.

And the best bit? He responded to me! There was a point to picking him up when he cried because he would stop. Stop! Maybe not immediately – he was a baby after all – but he could and would be soothed. This was a child I could make a difference to. Gone were the horrendous nights that I’d had with his father. His father, who screamed every night until around the time he started school, which meant broken sleep for years. It was like being reminded that I was normal, that I was OK, that I could be good where I once felt like a failure.

When Jack was six months old, his mother, Selena, was found dead with a heroin needle still in her arm. The shock was terrible and I vowed then that I wouldn’t be an addict too.

Jack deserved better.

So – for him – I became clean. Decision made, I cut down carefully, on a reduction programme I’d designed myself. It was very difficult and I suffered with headaches, cramps, chills and diarrhoea, but for Jack, I did it. Clean for the second time.