Chapters (87)
- Cover
- Praise
- Dedication
- One
- Two
- Three
- Four
- Five
- Six
- Seven
- Eight
- Nine
- Ten
- Eleven
- Twelve
- Thirteen
- Fourteen
- Fifteen
- Sixteen
- Seventeen
- Eighteen
- Nineteen
- Twenty
- Twenty-One
- Twenty-Two
- Twenty-Three
- Twenty-Four
- Twenty-Five
- Twenty-Six
- Twenty-Seven
- Twenty-Eight
- Twenty-Nine
- Thirty
- Thirty-One
- Thirty-Two
- Thirty-Three
- Thirty-Four
- Thirty-Five
- Thirty-Six
- Thirty-Seven
- Thirty-Eight
- Thirty-Nine
- Forty
- Forty-One
- Forty-Two
- Forty-Three
- Forty-Four
- Forty-Five
- Forty-Six
- Forty-Seven
- Forty-Eight
- Forty-Nine
- Fifty
- Fifty-One
- Fifty-Two
- Fifty-Three
- Fifty-Four
- Fifty-Five
- Fifty-Six
- Fifty-Seven
- Fifty-Eight
- Fifty-Nine
- Sixty
- Sixty-One
- Sixty-Two
- Sixty-Three
- Sixty-Four
- Sixty-Five
- Sixty-Six
- Sixty-Seven
- Sixty-Eight
- Sixty-Nine
- Seventy
- Seventy-One
- Seventy-Two
- Seventy-Three
- Seventy-Four
- Seventy-Five
- Seventy-Six
- Seventy-Seven
- Seventy-Eight
- Seventy-Nine
- Eighty
- Epilogue
- Acknowledgements
- Extract from To Keep You Safe
- About the Author
I smiled at him: ‘It’s a lovely room.’ I touched the Aga again and imagined it warm and drying wet coats after brisk walks; perhaps we could even get a dog – Winston – no. We could never, ever get a dog – I shivered, thinking, remembering his brown loving eyes, the feel of his leather lead in my hand.
We might never be able to achieve family perfection, but perhaps here, perhaps surrounded by these rolling gentle hills, Jack and I could find what we so desperately needed.
A loud tapping sound brought me back. Someone at the window. Both the estate agent and I jumped at the unexpected noise.
But it wasn’t a person, it was a hornet. It was inside, trapped, whirring around, suddenly inches from us. A tiger-striped bullet, it raged against the diamond-leaded glass, its buzzing rude and loutish. What had it been doing so silently before now?
The boy-man stepped back, alarmed. ‘Whoa! It’s massive!’
He was afraid, I could see that. I’d never liked insects – particularly the stinging kind – but his fear made me feel maternalistic and I wanted to save him. I stepped closer to the window and laid my hand on the cool marble worktop. The kitchen might be dated with oak cabinets, but someone, a long time ago, invested in this little room. Holding my breath, I tried to open the window, but the catch was stuck.
I pulled on it harder, feeling panic rising in my chest. Inches from me, and so angry – like Him! – and I remembered the terror of Him. It’s like he’s here in this kitchen with me, wanting to hurt me again, always so angry about things I don’t understand – have never understood.
The catch suddenly freed, the window opened outwards too easily under the pressure of my adrenaline, yanking my arm and shoulder with it.
The hornet bounced along the diamond-leaded window towards me, quick to move towards the rush of air. The buzzing was alarming . . . but then it was gone.
‘Wow! Wasn’t it loud?’ The estate agent swiped at the layer of sweat on his top lip.
Feeling sorry for his embarrassment, I quipped: ‘I bet you get tenants like that.’ I felt pleased when he laughed and looked a little less embarrassed.
Another door off the hall revealed a small sitting room; Jack and I could be happy here.
I pictured myself tucked up by a fire, watching the telly whilst Jack was asleep upstairs. Then I realised that’s all I would be doing. I felt a shudder of anxiety: I’d be living as a single parent where there was no park; no flat whites at the local coffee shop and no swimming pool. But even though that was true, I put my anxieties away. Nothing was more important than keeping Jack hidden.