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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

My child looked anywhere but at me and the knife in my hand. It was heavy, one of Nick’s fishing knives. I nearly asked him: why were you standing over Daddy with a knife? But I didn’t want to hear the answer.

Jack was fishing mad and wanted to go fishing early this morning, but Nick refused to take him. It was the first time he’d refused to take Jack on a trip and we all knew it was because Jack had killed Winston yesterday. The usual fishing party of three, would’ve been, without Winston, the two of them for the first time, and I didn’t blame Nick for not wanting to take his son and pretend everything was all right.

Now the dog was dead, it was far, far from all right.

Nick still felt terrible about hitting Jack, had apologised, and as much as he wanted to make good, he couldn’t face just him and Jack and no Winston just yet. I totally understood and had supported Nick making a stand despite Jack’s tantrums. The words ‘social services’ hadn’t been mentioned again since Irene’s bitten cheek, but I thought we were both thinking the words anyway.

I stared at Nick’s fishing knife. It was a present from me. He kept it in his tackle box which meant that Jack had purposefully gone looking for it. Its blade was dark and dangerous and I thought of my own childhood. I finally considered Jack, who’d edged away from me and was now standing on the far side of the bed. He just looked back at me, waiting for me to say something. But what could I say when we both appeared to be the same?

No.

I fought back against my shame: it wasn’t the same, not the same. I had been frightened; was trying to save my mum. His violence was all I’d ever known and it was getting worse. I used to hide under the covers, listening to her trying and failing not to scream. I could hear what he called her – bad words, so bad. I saw him play with the knife against her: I loved her and I wanted to save her.

Nick was a great dad. Winston a great dog. No, this was not the same. I gripped the knife and marched round the bed. Taking Jack’s hand, I led him out of the darkened bedroom.

I settled Jack on the sofa and turned on the TV. I was plaster of Paris: fragile, delicate – even the lightest of brushes could break me.