Chapters (87)
- Cover
- Praise
- Dedication
- One
- Two
- Three
- Four
- Five
- Six
- Seven
- Eight
- Nine
- Ten
- Eleven
- Twelve
- Thirteen
- Fourteen
- Fifteen
- Sixteen
- Seventeen
- Eighteen
- Nineteen
- Twenty
- Twenty-One
- Twenty-Two
- Twenty-Three
- Twenty-Four
- Twenty-Five
- Twenty-Six
- Twenty-Seven
- Twenty-Eight
- Twenty-Nine
- Thirty
- Thirty-One
- Thirty-Two
- Thirty-Three
- Thirty-Four
- Thirty-Five
- Thirty-Six
- Thirty-Seven
- Thirty-Eight
- Thirty-Nine
- Forty
- Forty-One
- Forty-Two
- Forty-Three
- Forty-Four
- Forty-Five
- Forty-Six
- Forty-Seven
- Forty-Eight
- Forty-Nine
- Fifty
- Fifty-One
- Fifty-Two
- Fifty-Three
- Fifty-Four
- Fifty-Five
- Fifty-Six
- Fifty-Seven
- Fifty-Eight
- Fifty-Nine
- Sixty
- Sixty-One
- Sixty-Two
- Sixty-Three
- Sixty-Four
- Sixty-Five
- Sixty-Six
- Sixty-Seven
- Sixty-Eight
- Sixty-Nine
- Seventy
- Seventy-One
- Seventy-Two
- Seventy-Three
- Seventy-Four
- Seventy-Five
- Seventy-Six
- Seventy-Seven
- Seventy-Eight
- Seventy-Nine
- Eighty
- Epilogue
- Acknowledgements
- Extract from To Keep You Safe
- About the Author
The thought gives me courage to drag my gaze over his face: he has suffered a broken nose, I think, since I’ve seen him, but perhaps he’s filled out a little too; and I’m glad – he looks better for it. He’s gained a maturity I’ve not seen before. I want to ask him about his job, about his life, but he wouldn’t tell me if I did. I want to put my hand over his large knuckled one – I so want to touch him and tell him I love him. My baby, my sweet, difficult, tormented baby.
‘I do wish you wouldn’t keep crying, Lisa.’
I swipe away the tears, not even aware that I had started again. ‘Who says I’m crying?’ I try to smile through the ache in my throat and the diamonds in my eyes. Despite the initial horror, it actually feels like a relief to have the truth from him. And to realise I’m not mad. But it’s even more than that: I’ve missed him so much. It’s almost as if this time without him was just marking time until this moment.
Even when he was a little boy, after he killed Winston, I would try to hold him, worried that one day he’d pick a fight he wouldn’t win, and that I’d find out, many years after the event, that he died in a terrible way. But here he is and it hasn’t happened. Not yet.
Sitting across from him, I want to speed this up so he’s gone far away from Jack, but at the same time, I want to revel in his company, be close to him while I still can, before we say a final goodbye.
I remind myself to stick to my new game-plan-that-isn’t-yet-a-plan. I need to start with finding my phone. I change the way I’m sitting, hoping to spot it, but suspect it’s in my wardrobe with my shoes. ‘You rang your dad – he tore out of here worried about you.’
He only raises an eyebrow as if he’s learnt something new. ‘You want something – I could always tell when you want something, Lisa.’
‘I do want something.’ Oh, so very much. ‘Tell me the truth, please, because I have to know. I know I’ve disappointed you, but tell me that you do know, because it’s so very important to me, that you know—’
‘Spit it out.’
‘I just want to know if you knew that I always lo—’
‘Loved me?’
He draws on his cigarette and blows out slowly. ‘I don’t know why you have to assume that everything is about you. Bit of a narcissist, aren’t you, Lisa?’
‘No!’
‘Ha! Always so easy to wind up.’ He drums his fingers briefly against the table and checks the wall clock. ‘Is that the right time?’