Chapters (87)
- Cover
- Praise
- Dedication
- One
- Two
- Three
- Four
- Five
- Six
- Seven
- Eight
- Nine
- Ten
- Eleven
- Twelve
- Thirteen
- Fourteen
- Fifteen
- Sixteen
- Seventeen
- Eighteen
- Nineteen
- Twenty
- Twenty-One
- Twenty-Two
- Twenty-Three
- Twenty-Four
- Twenty-Five
- Twenty-Six
- Twenty-Seven
- Twenty-Eight
- Twenty-Nine
- Thirty
- Thirty-One
- Thirty-Two
- Thirty-Three
- Thirty-Four
- Thirty-Five
- Thirty-Six
- Thirty-Seven
- Thirty-Eight
- Thirty-Nine
- Forty
- Forty-One
- Forty-Two
- Forty-Three
- Forty-Four
- Forty-Five
- Forty-Six
- Forty-Seven
- Forty-Eight
- Forty-Nine
- Fifty
- Fifty-One
- Fifty-Two
- Fifty-Three
- Fifty-Four
- Fifty-Five
- Fifty-Six
- Fifty-Seven
- Fifty-Eight
- Fifty-Nine
- Sixty
- Sixty-One
- Sixty-Two
- Sixty-Three
- Sixty-Four
- Sixty-Five
- Sixty-Six
- Sixty-Seven
- Sixty-Eight
- Sixty-Nine
- Seventy
- Seventy-One
- Seventy-Two
- Seventy-Three
- Seventy-Four
- Seventy-Five
- Seventy-Six
- Seventy-Seven
- Seventy-Eight
- Seventy-Nine
- Eighty
- Epilogue
- Acknowledgements
- Extract from To Keep You Safe
- About the Author
‘It was only a child’s antihistamine, I gave you,’ I tell him. ‘It was just a difficult situation and I admit, I struggled to cope. If I didn’t give it to you, you would become really difficult visiting Nana. You were very challenging.’
‘Well, if you will take a little kid into a terrifying prison, what do you expect?.’
‘It was Nana! She wanted to see you and we had no idea when or even if, she was ever going to get out, so what was I supposed to do? Leave you at home on your own? Your father never changed his shifts or his golf or anything else he wanted to do, for me.’
He laughs.
Something in me simply shatters. I jump up out of my chair and grip my son by his shoulders. I want to shake him, punish him, but it’s like shaking a boulder. I want to hit him and kiss him and hurt him and love him. I still – regardless of what Nick’s told me – think he killed her, but it seems that what I feel for him is indestructible. It’s hard; it’s confusing; it’s painful. I collapse into a boxing clinch; leaning and struggling against him. ‘Did you kill her?’ I finally gasp into his shoulder. ‘I have to know. Please, please tell me the truth.’
I have spent the whole of the last year mourning – I don’t think I will ever get over the loss of her.
He lets me rest for a minute but then takes me by my elbows and says: ‘I didn’t kill Nana on purpose, if that’s what you’re so pissed off about.’
I am crying and crying and crying now and I just don’t think I can get my voice back. I’m not sure how long this goes on, but then I do finally sit down. ‘Tell me what happened,’ I finally say.
He shrugs – urgh – I hate even that casual movement of his, as if my mother’s death is a casual thing.
‘I went to see her and she smelt smoke and petrol on me and asked me why. When I told her, she went mad and had a heart attack. Not my fault.’
‘You told her about Sunningdale?’
‘She asked.’
I want to ask about Sunningdale: Why? How? I want to ask about Jack. But most of all, I want to know about my mum. ‘Did she suffer?’
‘It looked painful.’
I start crying again. ‘Did you help her?’
‘I don’t know how to do CPR.’
‘So you just watched her die?’
‘Look, Lisa, Nana was always good to me. She walked herself into that grave by having a go at me, but I didn’t want her to die.’
‘Then why were you there?’