Chapters (87)
- Cover
- Praise
- Dedication
- One
- Two
- Three
- Four
- Five
- Six
- Seven
- Eight
- Nine
- Ten
- Eleven
- Twelve
- Thirteen
- Fourteen
- Fifteen
- Sixteen
- Seventeen
- Eighteen
- Nineteen
- Twenty
- Twenty-One
- Twenty-Two
- Twenty-Three
- Twenty-Four
- Twenty-Five
- Twenty-Six
- Twenty-Seven
- Twenty-Eight
- Twenty-Nine
- Thirty
- Thirty-One
- Thirty-Two
- Thirty-Three
- Thirty-Four
- Thirty-Five
- Thirty-Six
- Thirty-Seven
- Thirty-Eight
- Thirty-Nine
- Forty
- Forty-One
- Forty-Two
- Forty-Three
- Forty-Four
- Forty-Five
- Forty-Six
- Forty-Seven
- Forty-Eight
- Forty-Nine
- Fifty
- Fifty-One
- Fifty-Two
- Fifty-Three
- Fifty-Four
- Fifty-Five
- Fifty-Six
- Fifty-Seven
- Fifty-Eight
- Fifty-Nine
- Sixty
- Sixty-One
- Sixty-Two
- Sixty-Three
- Sixty-Four
- Sixty-Five
- Sixty-Six
- Sixty-Seven
- Sixty-Eight
- Sixty-Nine
- Seventy
- Seventy-One
- Seventy-Two
- Seventy-Three
- Seventy-Four
- Seventy-Five
- Seventy-Six
- Seventy-Seven
- Seventy-Eight
- Seventy-Nine
- Eighty
- Epilogue
- Acknowledgements
- Extract from To Keep You Safe
- About the Author
Nick has the decency to get up and put the kettle on so he doesn’t have to witness my drowning panic.
Grief is instant. I start crying. Eventually I ask: ‘Why won’t you help me?’
But Nick mishears me, perhaps because of my tears or perhaps because of his guilt, because he answers a different question: ‘I tried! Before we were over, I really tried. I tried to discipline him, intervene . . . but you wouldn’t let me.’
‘You didn’t, you didn’t!’
‘I did, Lisa. I wanted him to go somewhere better for him than us – a kids’ home or something. I didn’t know what else to do – I didn’t know how to make a difference.’ His voice rises to a retch. It hurts me to hear this powerful man so fractured. ‘If I could’ve changed things, I would’ve. But you wanted to manage by yourself. You would hide from me how bad it was – you would hide it from everyone.’
‘I was ashamed!’ I shout back, crying harder now. ‘I was embarrassed.’
‘You shouldn’t have been in front of me.’ He rubs his temples, like he’s in pain.
‘Maybe not, but it wasn’t just that – I had to protect him from the world. And from himself. I couldn’t let him go into a unit. What sort of mother would I have been who did that?’
‘A sane one?’ His face drops. ‘Sorry, Lese, sorry I said that. He’s turned out well. You did the right thing. I couldn’t see it at the time, but you were right. And I want you to see now that you were. He’s different now. He’s matured. And that is all credit to you.’
‘But what if it isn’t? What if you only think he got better because you’re looking at him from a distance? ’
‘I think he’s changed, Lisa.’ He strokes my hair. ‘It’s been a long time.’
‘But how do you know?’
He rubs at his temples again; I bet he wishes he was sitting on the sofa next to Anne-Marie instead of having this conversation with me. But that thought doesn’t make me feel bitter – I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t want to talk to me either.