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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

I can’t even breathe. It occurs to me that I might die tonight; I might have a heart attack. I am overwhelmed. It then occurs that actually I might want to die, just here and now, I could just expire. Nick will look after Jack; he’s a kind man and I know he can be trusted.

‘So, although I know you loved Winston, what I mean is you were always cool with him.’ He took my arm briefly. ‘I hope I’m saying it right. I don’t want to offend. And I certainly don’t want to blame you. Jack was bloody awful – and you got the brunt of it, for sure. I worked long hours – we needed the money and I was too bloody ambitious. It was all our fault, all of us in different ways.’

If my heart were simply to stop beating, I could be with my mum. I really want my mum, right now.

I press my hands against the surface of the table and I’m glad that it hurts my burns. ‘He killed my mother.’

Nick sits up and looks startled. He runs his hand through his silvering hair. ‘What? What do you mean, Leese?’

‘I think he murdered my mother. Don’t you understand? If I was angry, it was because I didn’t know how to handle a boy capable of such things. I knew what he was like – I always did, but you – you . . .’ I feel angry now I’m making the accusation. See? a thought whispers – he’s right, you are so angry.

But I dismiss this: of course it’s right to be angry in such circumstances. It would be wrong not to be. Instead I plough on, feeling myself warm to this. Enough is enough. ‘You, Nick, were always out working.’

Nick holds up a hand, tries to interrupt, but I won’t have it. ‘You!’ I continue hotly. ‘It’s all right for you to be bloody contrite about it now, but the reality was that I was stuck at home with him every day, day in, day out, on my own, doing it all. Only one day off from him a week and that was thanks to your mother! At best it was boring, and at worst, I knew I was dealing with a psychopath! Don’t shake your head at me: he frightened me, even then!’