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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

Nick sighs and briefly closes his eyes. ‘Lisa.’ He pauses. ‘There were times . . . there were lots of times when you . . . just weren’t there.’

I open my mouth to argue: I was always there. But of course, he doesn’t mean that. I know what he means. I feel my throat thicken.

Maybe he feels it too because he rests his palm lightly on my arm. ‘You did your best. I know you did your best and I never doubted that, not once.’

I open my mouth to respond, but I don’t know what to respond to.

He increases his pressure on my arm, just enough for me to know he’s about to say something. ‘You didn’t grow up with a family. You didn’t know what it would look like.’

‘Are you saying this, all this, is because of me? Jack’s behaviour is because of me?’

Nick looks puzzled, his eyebrows drawing together. ‘Don’t you think that? Isn’t that what you thought went wrong between us?’

‘No! He was born . . .’ I yank my arm away from his touch. I want to say he was born wrong, but that sounds brutal. ‘He just came out that way. He was just . . . angry.’

Nick doesn’t say anything, but he pours himself another drink. Just for himself. Up until now, Nick has been quiet, kind, but when he speaks his voice comes like a punch. ‘You were so angry, Lisa.’

‘Me?’ Why are we still talking about me?

‘Yes, you were – always.’ He holds his chin up like he’s a defiant child. ‘Nothing would stop your anger. You would be angry over anything, everything. All the time. Only that,’ he said, jabbing a finger at the larder, ‘would keep you quiet.’

I shake my head, bewildered. ‘I’m not an angry person; in fact I’m the least angry person I know.’

Nick is rubbing his finger around the rim of the glass again; he never used to have this habit and I decide I don’t like it; it’s irritating and a clear excuse not to look at me. Then he surprises me by both looking at me and speaking. ‘Lisa, your mother was taken to prison when you were eight after she killed your abusive father. You were the same age as little Jack is now – I can’t imagine how awful that was for you. So, of course you’re angry. Just because you don’t shout and throw things, doesn’t mean you didn’t show it. You just showed it in a different way, a withheld way. You were always so . . . remote. It was as if . . .’ He turns his head, his mouth pursed, clearly trying to reach the right word. ‘ . . . as if you were careful of being too close to us.’