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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

‘No, I’m not. But if I was, we wouldn’t be in this mess, because we would’ve called social services yesterday. I shouldn’t have listened to you. I’m disgusted – him killing Winston and you zonked out in bed in the middle of the day.’ His voice was cold. He stopped pacing and looked at me a long time. His handsome face was thinner, I realised, and his jaw had tightened his cheekbones to new, drawn angles. He looked ill. ‘And let’s face it, if I was your boss, you’d have been sacked a long time ago.’

I stared at him, chilled. I wasn’t sure what he was saying. It wasn’t clear, but nothing was. It occurred to me that Jack could be listening to all of this, but I realised for the first time that I didn’t care. We always tried so hard to keep our arguments away from him, particularly when they were about him, but after today, we were way past that. Perhaps it was better that Jack heard what we thought anyway.

We stared at each other for a long moment.

We didn’t really look into each other’s eyes anymore. Who wanted to see what was there? But now we did. I think we stared to see if what the other one was thinking the same.

Nick blinked first.

After he slammed out of the room, I found an unconcerned Jack playing Lego again in his bedroom. He very compliantly let me bath him and feed him cheese on toast, which he ate in his room, whilst I read to him, to keep him out of Nick’s way. I put him to bed early, expecting a fuss, but he was placid. I would’ve taken raging if it’d meant there was any sign that he engaged with the idea that killing our family’s dog was wrong, but I didn’t get that.

I remember smoothing his Peter Rabbit covers around him, with him just lying there staring at me, and me pretending not to notice, instead adjusting the teddies around his bed as if those simple actions made me a good mother. Made me the mother that I’d had at the start of my life. I wanted to be good, but I knew I wasn’t. I had beaten my husband with the broom, not just because he’d crossed a line with Jack and I was frightened, but because I was so upset about the dog that if I hadn’t hit Nick, I think I would’ve hit Jack instead. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as sad as I did then. That sort of crashing heartbreak which threatens to drag you under and hold you there, suffocating until you can’t breathe anymore.