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Back What I Did
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

Nick’s jaw tightened. ‘Yes, Lisa. Wake up, will you? You’re always in such a fog. He bit her so badly on the cheek that she had to have stitches. It’s going to leave a scar. She’s a mess. She loves him but she doesn’t want to look after him on her own, anymore. The hospital were giving me right funny looks and I had to get him out of there really quick in case they got a social worker involved or something. I kept telling them he hadn’t done it before, I even –’ he put his face in his hands and his shoulders shook – ‘I even lied and told one of the doctors that my mum is too sharp with him and that it must’ve been her fault.’ His shoulders shook, then he looked up, eyes wide with panic. ‘She doesn’t know that! Don’t tell her!’

‘No, Nick, I won’t tell her.’ I didn’t know what else to say. I was so struck by how sad Nick was – was he always sad?

I think it had been a long time since we’d talked about anything meaningful. I realised that recently we hadn’t even tried to cheer each other up – it’d started to feel too false to try. Instead I took my feelings to my therapist and to the sympathetic ears of codeine and Valium. I definitely couldn’t remember thinking about Nick’s feelings in any substantial way. Jack took everything meaningful from both of us.

Nick reached out across the table, palms open. It’d been so long, it took me a moment to realise he wanted to hold my hands.

He pulled them towards him and cried over them. Eventually, he let go and sat up. He dragged his sleeve across his eyes. ‘What are we going to do, Lisa?’

‘Do?’

He flushed red. ‘Of course! He’s out of control!’

I shook my head a little – only a little, more from confusion than denial. I didn’t understand the question: What was there to do? We’d both tried the doctors and got nowhere. Nick didn’t know I had tried private counselling for Jack so couldn’t even share the disappointment that it hadn’t worked. After months with my own therapist, I hadn’t managed more than agreeing to pack a go-bag in case I needed to leave. But even that was challenged now, because how could I leave him with Nick? Nick had a job and any fantasy that Irene would just slip in and fill my empty place was now dead.

Although I hadn’t even been close to fleeing, the fact that it was no longer a possibility felt suffocating.