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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

But it felt glorious to hold baby Jack to my face and breathe in his newborn smell and remember what had been before. I loved the idea that it felt possible to go back. He became a door which made me feel I could just open and return to where I had been before it all went wrong. For it to feel possible felt just so freeing, so empowering, it became intoxicating. I even thought I might get another dog. I wouldn’t have called him Winston, that would’ve been so . . . gauche, but I liked the idea that I could do.

When Selena died suddenly, it felt tragic for Jack – but like I was now Jack’s proper mum.

I reach out and touch my mother’s foot; my finger grazing her heel.

Of course, my mother never liked the bond I had with Jack. She said I was living in a bygone fantasy. She said only ghosts, ghouls and fools lived in the past. She said that survivors looked to the future and that was where I should set my sights.

But I couldn’t. My son was just as awful as a father, and Jack was simply just so good! He was so different to his father at that age, endlessly smiling and sleeping like he was on a timetable. I couldn’t take her advice to butt out: ‘Mind your own, Lisa. You’ve got a new role now. Find it, embrace it. In it, you will find all that you need.’

My mother was often full of shite too.

‘Sorry,’ I whispered, still only looking at her foot. I smoothed the bedspread from around her. ‘I wish . . .’ I said, my voice a whisper in the silence, I wish I had smiled at you more. I wish I had taken you to lunch sometimes. I wish we had watched comedy films together – even just one.

I’m sorry I called the police.

I am so sorry about that.

I’m sorry she had to spend so long in prison for me.

I’m sorry I killed my father and I’m sorry I didn’t speak up for her. I was only eight and I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought he was going to kill her that night, but he didn’t. Instead he fell into a drunken stupor, but I was frightened about what he would do when he woke up. I’d heard his threats. I wanted to save my mummy.

‘Mummy,’ I say softly, my hand still on her foot. What a terrible daughter I’ve been. Trying to save her – but in the end, not saving her at all.

And now I have to be sorry about this. I’m sorry she let in my son and I’m sorry I made such a bad job of him, that he wanted to do this because of me.