BooksBarbecue
Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

Despite – or perhaps because of this discovery – my thoughts wound back over the years. Standing there, I was surprised that of all the people I should think of in that moment, I thought of Issy. I thought of her in the café, clutching at my hand which I tried to withdraw but failed, because her grip was like my manners – too strong. I thought of her trying to be a good friend, trying to get me to leave Nick: ‘We’ve seen the bruises.’

I thought about how it would’ve been if I had left Nick then, just like Issy wanted. Was that the moment I should’ve acted – the defining moment that was the trail of breadcrumbs in the forest and the only path out of the nightmare? When I finally left the busy café, was I rejecting the only route to safety, the one that meant that my mother would not be dead now? Or if I’d found a way to keep Nick in my life, would our son be a very different man? Or was it, that no matter what I did, all paths in this nightmare would’ve led to the same terrible conclusion – that he’d still have grown into what he’d become: the man who killed my mother.

And did I truly believe he had done this? I looked around the undisturbed room. The only motive in killing her was, what, to inflict pain on me?

‘We’ve seen the bruises.’

Although I hated that he named his son after himself, when it was clear in the immediate weeks after he was born that Jack’s mother, Selena, was going to be a truly dreadful mum, their sharing the same name made it easier for me to move in and take over. It felt natural to hold the little baby in my arms and call him Jack – they even looked the same. It was like I had gone back in time. I felt that I could push the pram onto North Road in Brighton, straight to our favourite café, and find the rest of the NCT gang. That I only had to walk the same route, push the door open and I would find them there, fleshed-out ghosts of my past, drinking coffee, and they would raise their hands in greeting: ‘Lisa, over here!’

Of course, they were long gone. Their own kids would now all be in their mid-twenties, grown up and elsewhere, birds on the wing.