Chapters (87)
- Cover
- Praise
- Dedication
- One
- Two
- Three
- Four
- Five
- Six
- Seven
- Eight
- Nine
- Ten
- Eleven
- Twelve
- Thirteen
- Fourteen
- Fifteen
- Sixteen
- Seventeen
- Eighteen
- Nineteen
- Twenty
- Twenty-One
- Twenty-Two
- Twenty-Three
- Twenty-Four
- Twenty-Five
- Twenty-Six
- Twenty-Seven
- Twenty-Eight
- Twenty-Nine
- Thirty
- Thirty-One
- Thirty-Two
- Thirty-Three
- Thirty-Four
- Thirty-Five
- Thirty-Six
- Thirty-Seven
- Thirty-Eight
- Thirty-Nine
- Forty
- Forty-One
- Forty-Two
- Forty-Three
- Forty-Four
- Forty-Five
- Forty-Six
- Forty-Seven
- Forty-Eight
- Forty-Nine
- Fifty
- Fifty-One
- Fifty-Two
- Fifty-Three
- Fifty-Four
- Fifty-Five
- Fifty-Six
- Fifty-Seven
- Fifty-Eight
- Fifty-Nine
- Sixty
- Sixty-One
- Sixty-Two
- Sixty-Three
- Sixty-Four
- Sixty-Five
- Sixty-Six
- Sixty-Seven
- Sixty-Eight
- Sixty-Nine
- Seventy
- Seventy-One
- Seventy-Two
- Seventy-Three
- Seventy-Four
- Seventy-Five
- Seventy-Six
- Seventy-Seven
- Seventy-Eight
- Seventy-Nine
- Eighty
- Epilogue
- Acknowledgements
- Extract from To Keep You Safe
- About the Author
The practicalities of money, fortunately, weren’t something I had to worry about. I’d always worked hard and I earned pretty good money, with no one to spend it on save Jack. I also still had some of my inheritance, so I thanked God that at least I didn’t have to suddenly worry about cash flow. Jack and I could live frugally for years on what I had put by.
Jack looked so happy, chatting, without stuttering, loving his pancakes; it was a curious juxtaposition to the vile deeds of my son.
Before we had said goodbye, Miriam and I had called the local hospital and although the staff were careful, we gleaned enough to know that the death toll was bad, very bad. I had then called the matron and she’d filled the gaps. Many years ago, I’d had the chance of promotion and could’ve been Sunningdale’s matron, but it was when Jack was just a baby and it was clear my son would need a lot of support in raising him, so I’d declined.
Now I had never been gladder of that decision.
Matron knew I’d be going away, and the ability to just leave now, mid-disaster, felt more precious than gold. She had my number if she needed it – but I suspect she had bigger concerns than me and I wouldn’t be hearing from her for a while. The home was evacuated permanently with the residents allocated to other homes – no one would be able to return. Sunningdale was gone; my job was gone.
I started to think about the practicalities of the day ahead. I needed a shower, clean clothes etc. and decided we would go to my mum’s. It was near and I’d be able to say goodbye, but I also wanted to tell her what had happened. I wanted the reassurances about him that she always gave. She would tell me I was bonkers and her shining faith in him would ameliorate my anxieties.
Well, that’s how it’d been in the past; I wasn’t sure it could work like that now, not after the horror of those covered bodies on the stretchers and the wide-open grief in Miriam’s eyes mirroring my own.
I kept checking my watch; my mother was not an early riser. ‘After years of getting up for the bell, dear, I think I’ve earned a lie-in or two, don’t you think?’ But now it was 9.30 and we’d finished breakfast, and although it would still be too early for her to accept visitors, I couldn’t wait anymore. I paid and we left.
As I got Jack back in the car, he asked: ‘Where are we going?’
With a crushing sense of sadness, I realised we weren’t going anywhere: we were running from. Instead I said: ‘To see Nana.’