Chapters (87)
- Cover
- Praise
- Dedication
- One
- Two
- Three
- Four
- Five
- Six
- Seven
- Eight
- Nine
- Ten
- Eleven
- Twelve
- Thirteen
- Fourteen
- Fifteen
- Sixteen
- Seventeen
- Eighteen
- Nineteen
- Twenty
- Twenty-One
- Twenty-Two
- Twenty-Three
- Twenty-Four
- Twenty-Five
- Twenty-Six
- Twenty-Seven
- Twenty-Eight
- Twenty-Nine
- Thirty
- Thirty-One
- Thirty-Two
- Thirty-Three
- Thirty-Four
- Thirty-Five
- Thirty-Six
- Thirty-Seven
- Thirty-Eight
- Thirty-Nine
- Forty
- Forty-One
- Forty-Two
- Forty-Three
- Forty-Four
- Forty-Five
- Forty-Six
- Forty-Seven
- Forty-Eight
- Forty-Nine
- Fifty
- Fifty-One
- Fifty-Two
- Fifty-Three
- Fifty-Four
- Fifty-Five
- Fifty-Six
- Fifty-Seven
- Fifty-Eight
- Fifty-Nine
- Sixty
- Sixty-One
- Sixty-Two
- Sixty-Three
- Sixty-Four
- Sixty-Five
- Sixty-Six
- Sixty-Seven
- Sixty-Eight
- Sixty-Nine
- Seventy
- Seventy-One
- Seventy-Two
- Seventy-Three
- Seventy-Four
- Seventy-Five
- Seventy-Six
- Seventy-Seven
- Seventy-Eight
- Seventy-Nine
- Eighty
- Epilogue
- Acknowledgements
- Extract from To Keep You Safe
- About the Author
No, you’re not – you’re not going anywhere. I so expected to hear his voice behind me, I swear I did. I felt like an actor in a movie, waiting for the madman to jump out from a shadowy hiding place and attack us.
Eyes wide, heart thumping, I turned round with Jack in my arms: but no one was there.
In the hall, I knew I should’ve run towards the front door as fast as I could, but I couldn’t. Instead my legs remained immobile, keeping me in the dark with Jack on my hip and Bunny on his, waiting.
I could almost hear an imaginary audience screaming: Get out! Why don’t you run?! But fear does strange things. Standing there, I became convinced – convinced – that my son was behind the furthest bedroom door, listening.
Perhaps, after getting my text, he’d laid a trap for me. Perhaps he knew I’d be nosey. Perhaps he was just waiting for predictable, neurotic, untrusting me to walk right into his flat and snoop around. And was I here, doing just as he predicted?
Impossible.
No – not impossible.
If he was going to come for me, I wanted him to do it now. I didn’t want to have my back towards him as we ran for the door – if an attack was going to happen, I wanted to brace myself for it.
I felt something then. I shut my eyes as Jack nestled a sleepy head into my neck. I leaned my head gently back against the door and felt . . . him. It’s true I missed him so much. It’s so hard to even accept myself, but no matter what we had been through, he was still my son. I knew that when – if I was able to – I walked out that front door, I might never see him again. We had been adversaries for so long, but in that moment, I just felt him and his malevolent quiet through the door.
I felt the weight of sadness that I was leaving him alone for the first time. He had always been the one to leave – but I was taking that choice away from him now.
‘Are we going home?’ Jack whispered his question.
It was only later, when I replayed this scene over in my mind, as I had a habit to do, checking and rechecking all my decisions, that I realised he had whispered. I would’ve loved to have asked Jack – did you think he was behind that door, too? Did you whisper because you too thought he was listening?
But at the time I didn’t answer, because as I stood there, I knew it couldn’t be ‘home’ for us, ever again. I knew my life was about to pivot on a point and change completely, forever.