Chapters (87)
- Cover
- Praise
- Dedication
- One
- Two
- Three
- Four
- Five
- Six
- Seven
- Eight
- Nine
- Ten
- Eleven
- Twelve
- Thirteen
- Fourteen
- Fifteen
- Sixteen
- Seventeen
- Eighteen
- Nineteen
- Twenty
- Twenty-One
- Twenty-Two
- Twenty-Three
- Twenty-Four
- Twenty-Five
- Twenty-Six
- Twenty-Seven
- Twenty-Eight
- Twenty-Nine
- Thirty
- Thirty-One
- Thirty-Two
- Thirty-Three
- Thirty-Four
- Thirty-Five
- Thirty-Six
- Thirty-Seven
- Thirty-Eight
- Thirty-Nine
- Forty
- Forty-One
- Forty-Two
- Forty-Three
- Forty-Four
- Forty-Five
- Forty-Six
- Forty-Seven
- Forty-Eight
- Forty-Nine
- Fifty
- Fifty-One
- Fifty-Two
- Fifty-Three
- Fifty-Four
- Fifty-Five
- Fifty-Six
- Fifty-Seven
- Fifty-Eight
- Fifty-Nine
- Sixty
- Sixty-One
- Sixty-Two
- Sixty-Three
- Sixty-Four
- Sixty-Five
- Sixty-Six
- Sixty-Seven
- Sixty-Eight
- Sixty-Nine
- Seventy
- Seventy-One
- Seventy-Two
- Seventy-Three
- Seventy-Four
- Seventy-Five
- Seventy-Six
- Seventy-Seven
- Seventy-Eight
- Seventy-Nine
- Eighty
- Epilogue
- Acknowledgements
- Extract from To Keep You Safe
- About the Author
Instead, fragments of memories raced in my head. I thought of Nick kissing me under the mistletoe at Christmas, that very first time we were together over two decades ago, so young, so happy. I thought of being pregnant, my hands gripping the toilet bowl as I vomited. I saw my mum holding my baby when he was newborn, her face soft with a love I hadn’t seen before and thinking: Is that what you feel for me? I saw tablets in blister packs, fat and promising. I saw the smooth paintwork, but with the hairs trapped forever in the paint. I saw Issy, Nadia and Nessa in our favourite café, laughing for a photo, all with their babies balanced on their laps as they posed. I saw the A & E nurse’s face as she pulled away from examining the deep bite on my ear and telling me that it would need plastic surgery, trying to hide the concern in her eyes. I remember seeing my dad dead in bed, pale-faced, motionless; the smell of blood as it edged out, winking its lewd suggestion of the horror puddle beneath and the terror as I picked up the phone to call the police. And then the handcuffs on my mum as they led her away.
Then I saw what I’d missed: that the gaffer tape was wound differently in two corners, meaning it was hinged. I could just lift up the top playpen.
I saw a question in Jack’s eyes that hadn’t been there before. But what else could I do? I was a cornered animal, unable to do anything other than follow my own instincts. If I called the police and social services, they might leave him there with my son whilst they did assessments. I certainly couldn’t guarantee they would place Jack with me rather than somewhere else, and even if they did, I would be obliged to stay at the same address like a sitting duck.
My son would come looking for us – that wouldn’t work.
The trouble with love is that you can never walk away. And no one knows that better than my son because I never left him, even, perhaps, when I should have. But to save Jack, I would now need to do what I’d never been able to do before: I’d need to finally leave my son.
I lifted the top and reached in and slid my hands under Jack’s armpits. I pulled him close to my chest and knew he was the most precious thing in the whole wide world. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for him. I held him tight.
‘Hold on to Bunny – we’re leaving.’