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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

By then, the school had had enough. I didn’t blame them – the violence, the tantrums, the spitting. Urgh, the humiliation of the spitting! That became quite the thing for him in his first term. He hated that I left him. He would cry and cling and then when I finally tried to escape, he became angry, punching and kicking me. The teacher and her assistant would restrain him and try and calm him down. But if he couldn’t get to me, that was when the spitting started. He used to try so hard, a whole body effort to try to get the spit to hit me, it was like watching an ’80s football hooligan.

The first year of Jack starting school was the hardest because of the judgement. The teaching staff were excellent and I couldn’t fault them. But that first year, I know they blamed me and Nick. I know they must have wondered what went on in our home for our son to be like he was. I made sure that Nick and I spent lots of time working with the staff to try and find a solution for bettering our son’s behaviour. Then, when they knew us well, I could sometimes catch them looking at us, the question in their eyes: Well, if not you, then why . . .?

I don’t know, I wanted to scream. You tell me!

And it wasn’t just the judgement of staff I feared, but the parents. When he first started in reception, there were lots of making-friends activities – meetings up in the park, picnics, play dates where the mums would drink coffee and their little ones would have fun. Except it was never fun with Jack. He seemed to take delight in refusing the simplest of requests. He would be obstinate, aggressive and downright rude. One particular play date, he’d requested fish fingers, only to then refuse to eat them, and the fish fingers had ended up being smeared on the poor woman’s wall. It was all so humiliating. When they stopped inviting him, it was actually a relief.

It was that relief that made me give up Issy, Nadia and Nessa so easily. His difficulties were starting to become apparent, even at two. It was in their children’s company that I started to realise something was wrong. Sure, their children had tantrums, but his lasted longer. He was also noticeably rougher than their children, and was more likely to cause disputes, break toys and be defiant. And bite! How he loved that from the start.