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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

I feel my heart wham-wham, sure . . . and then less sure. I was so frightened, but as I centre myself, I see nothing there except shadows and my heart eases. I stay watching, crouched in the gloomy far edge of the garden, looking back across the inky sea of lawn, to the cottage. The feeling of being spooked has already passed: it was visceral but has now gone.

Perhaps . . . it’s just a side effect. Perhaps.

This is what I tell myself.

But it had felt so real.

I’m hidden by the dense canopy of the huge rhododendron bush. I’m no gardener, but I remember learning that rhododendrons drop poison onto the ground underneath them to stop anything else from growing; perhaps this is how they manage to proliferate – killing everything else. Its thick, leathery leaves brush against my cheek, as if it doesn’t want me here, as if my presence will draw another more efficient killer.

I cower amongst it as I listen to my breathing slow. Normally I’d use my hands to steady my uncomfortable crouching position, but instead I hold the burning, thudding things in front, so nothing touches them anywhere, not even themselves. The painkillers are working now, and although my hands are incredibly painful, it’s dulling to a muted, manageable soreness.

Something scuttles near me and I almost flinch, but I don’t because it’s not him. Rats and badgers can’t hurt me. I reach for my knife, tucked in my waistband. It’s gone. I look back across the lawn, but I can’t see it. I hate myself for losing it so quickly.

Without it I am truly helpless. I can’t stay here, not doing anything, just waiting.

If I’m going to Cleasong, it’ll take a long time. I’ll have to head down to the road. I consider that I could flag down a passing car but we rarely pass other cars out here, particularly at night. Even if there was traffic, they come hurtling around the corners. The road weaves and bends with high hedges on either side. There’s only a grass verge and that’s non-existent in places. I would be very vulnerable stumbling on the road in my dark outfit – and it’d be incredibly dangerous to try and flag them down. If I die out there, roadkill, then no one is ever going to save Jack.