Chapters (87)
- Cover
- Praise
- Dedication
- One
- Two
- Three
- Four
- Five
- Six
- Seven
- Eight
- Nine
- Ten
- Eleven
- Twelve
- Thirteen
- Fourteen
- Fifteen
- Sixteen
- Seventeen
- Eighteen
- Nineteen
- Twenty
- Twenty-One
- Twenty-Two
- Twenty-Three
- Twenty-Four
- Twenty-Five
- Twenty-Six
- Twenty-Seven
- Twenty-Eight
- Twenty-Nine
- Thirty
- Thirty-One
- Thirty-Two
- Thirty-Three
- Thirty-Four
- Thirty-Five
- Thirty-Six
- Thirty-Seven
- Thirty-Eight
- Thirty-Nine
- Forty
- Forty-One
- Forty-Two
- Forty-Three
- Forty-Four
- Forty-Five
- Forty-Six
- Forty-Seven
- Forty-Eight
- Forty-Nine
- Fifty
- Fifty-One
- Fifty-Two
- Fifty-Three
- Fifty-Four
- Fifty-Five
- Fifty-Six
- Fifty-Seven
- Fifty-Eight
- Fifty-Nine
- Sixty
- Sixty-One
- Sixty-Two
- Sixty-Three
- Sixty-Four
- Sixty-Five
- Sixty-Six
- Sixty-Seven
- Sixty-Eight
- Sixty-Nine
- Seventy
- Seventy-One
- Seventy-Two
- Seventy-Three
- Seventy-Four
- Seventy-Five
- Seventy-Six
- Seventy-Seven
- Seventy-Eight
- Seventy-Nine
- Eighty
- Epilogue
- Acknowledgements
- Extract from To Keep You Safe
- About the Author
Thoughts explode like fireworks. How does she know what I was like at school? I realise my nana or Auntie Janice must’ve told her. I remember bunking classes, and moving around from school to school, but the memories aren’t as sharp as they might be and it was a period in my life I don’t like to think about. I want to yell: with you in prison, I couldn’t concentrate! Dad died, you got locked up, then even nana died – but I don’t. Pressing half-moons into the pads of my thumbs, I mantra: she did her best, she did her best.
Instead I said: ‘His new school seems great; besides, kids move schools all the time.’
Her mouth tightened. We both look at Jack standing in line for the drinks. He looks so little. ‘So before Jack comes back, first I’ve got to know why and second I want to know where you’re living and what’s it like.’
I was prepared for this. ‘The why is simply that we were arguing too much. I don’t want Jack growing up around that. The second is that I’m temporarily renting somewhere. The truth is it’s a bit grotty, but I’m hoping that the sale will give me some money for a deposit on something else. I’m going to get a job and I know Nick won’t see me short, so we’ll do what other people do and just get by.’
She raised a sceptical eyebrow. ‘You’ve made this huge move just because of a few rows? Couldn’t you just go to Relate?’
‘It wasn’t just a few rows, and besides, we tried Relate,’ I lied. ‘It had got so toxic, it was safer to just go.’ I meet her gaze, confident now that with the last bit, I was back on truthful ground.
‘Safer?’
‘It’s better for us.’
‘And how is Jack with all this?’
My fragile confidence deflated in an instant. ‘I admit, he hates it,’ I confessed. ‘He hates the flat, he hates not being with his dad, he hates . . . me.’
I wanted her to touch my arm and tell me that it wasn’t true.
‘I’m sure he does,’ she said instead. My mother was never one for subtlety. If she had been, my life, I know, would be very, very different.
‘And Nick, how has that been left, apart from the emails?’
‘He’s out of our life for good. It’s better that way.’
‘He doesn’t want to see his son anymore? Not even a little bit?’
Her incredulity was starting to annoy me. ‘It’s for the best.’
‘Because of a few toxic rows? I just can’t believe this is the way forwards. Try Relate again. You’ve got to consider what’s best for Jack.’
She continues, but I let it wash over me. It’s done and it can’t be changed.