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Back What I Did
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

So the day of the Skittles argument, desperate to get away from him, I selected the correct bandage from my extensive, pilfered-from-work first-aid stores. Then I had the idea.

Like most nurses, my own home first-aid kit was second to none. Like most nurses, I didn’t think twice about taking home a half-used roll of Micropore, some ‘spare’ dressings, some Steri-Strips. I winced at the bandage. And then I had what might have been one of the most defining thoughts of my life: I bet I could get some decent painkillers at work today.

As I fetched my car keys, I realised that I was looking forward to going to work and I was already mentally shopping for something better.

And so started my second, secret addiction.

*

Nick knew about my first addiction and had actually been incredibly supportive. But the second time, I kept it fiercely hidden. There are advantages to anything if you look hard enough, but I didn’t have to look very hard for the advantages to codeine and Valium. They improved how I reacted to the world, and with it, things improved at home. For example, Jack didn’t sleep through the night until he started school and before then, there was still lots of crying and restlessness, but the codeine stopped me from getting too maudlin about being permanently exhausted.

But when Jack turned five, I realised that Nick had known about my drug abuse. And it only happened because I’d been careless.

Every birthday, my mother arranged lovely gifts from prison. Because she couldn’t send anything herself, her sister, my aunt who raised me after my own grandmother died, took on the role of gift organiser. My mother told my aunt what to buy and my aunt packaged it and sent it.

Jack loved getting his Nana parcels. On his fifth birthday she sent him a plaster-of-Paris Peter Rabbit money-box kit. It was bigger than the average money-box, a sizeable thing. We’d never made anything like it before and when he’d first ripped open the delivery package and we saw what was inside, my heart sank because I thought he’d hate it.

I was surprised when he seemed to be intrigued by the kit. He turned the box over and over, looking at the pictures, and he silently mouthed the words as he read the box-front instructions. I hated mucky art things and thought he’d start it and then lose interest, so I distracted him, tucked it away and forgot about it.