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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

I watch the fast sprint of Lennie going for the ball and it feels amazing to be back in Brighton. It’s been sixteen months since I bought my house. Jack’s settled so well into school and has made some lovely friends – we have both made lovely friends. I’ve made new ones, not looked up any from the past. I don’t want to be back there – instead here, in the present, is a wonderful thing for us, and it’s just where we need to stay.

But I do often look back to remember my mum – her things are all over our house: the sofa throws, some of the nicer knick-knacks, her photos everywhere; everything boxed up and saved by Nick and mum’s neighbour and friend, April Dawes, I have since found out. I think mum was everywhere that awful night too – I think it was her presence I felt in the field, that sense of someone there, pushing me on when I needed to go on and couldn’t. I just know it. She never let me give up on anything, and she didn’t then either. If she hadn’t been there, goading me on, perhaps I wouldn’t have made it – perhaps Jack wouldn’t either. But she was, and we did. I haven’t felt her since, but then I haven’t needed her. But it gives me a sense of comfort to know that she hasn’t left me; that she is all right and is still looking out for me. Really, that’s all she’s ever done. She remains my hero.

It’s not just my mum who has a presence in our house, but my son, too. We have Jack’s photo on the wall above our fireplace. We’ve brought him in and although he’s gone, he’s a real part of our family. We both love him.

We always will.

I breathe in the sea-salt smell and drink my coffee and contentment wraps my shoulders.

Seeing my paper bag, Jack runs towards me: ‘Croissants!’ Lennie runs barking at his feet. Nick tracked the puppy down – Jack had given it to his neighbour, but when Nick explained about little Jack losing his dad, they let us have him again. He’s our dog now.

We find somewhere to sit on the beach. Jack hugs me. He’s so generous with his love and affection. I kiss him back – I never kiss him just for him, but also for his dad. I hope that somehow the kisses get through to Jack wherever he is. I want him to feel my love, still.

I think also of Selena – I often do. I hope she’s pleased with the job I’m doing – in many ways, I’m also doing my best for her as well. We have her photo up too – and Jack has met his maternal grandma. We are making progress in all sorts of ways.