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Back What I Did
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

We are both so settled in our lovely terraced house in Brighton, it feels possible that he could leave me and be fine. I trust Nick better now and he trusts me.

A few months ago Anya asked me why I never told Nick the real reason I left him. She wondered if it caused resentment to sacrifice my adult relationship with my husband in order to protect him from our son. She’s asked if it’s possible that any bitterness was passed on to Jack. I argued no to start with. But of course, yes. As a parent to a young child, who wants to give up the family unit? Who wants to shut their eyes at night, never feeling safe even in their own bed, knowing there’s no one looking out for them? The end of our marriage was because I was watching out for him, but that meant that no one was watching out for me. A bit of me can understand why I had to knock myself out at night, just to sleep.

But I didn’t want to tell Nick because it felt like a betrayal of our son, almost as if – for want of a better word – I was grassing him up. My mum had stayed silent for me and I wanted to do that for Jack, but Anya helped me interrogate the power of how conspiracies trap people: I didn’t choose to be complicit in our son’s conspiracy and yet I have been all these years. So, I decided that since Nick is alive and Jack is not, I should trust him with my truth. I’ve always understood that it must’ve been terribly hard on Nick when we left suddenly. I never lost sight of how it must’ve felt when we abruptly went and then cut off most of our contact with him. So in the end, three months ago, I decided to tell him.

Nick and his family then came down at my request, and credit to Anne-Marie (who is actually a very nice person) she and the girls took Jack to the pier for the afternoon, without even knowing what I wanted to see Nick about, and I told him about Jack nearly killing him in his sleep and about how I didn’t know what else to do but take Jack away from him. I told him that since Jack was prepared to look me in the eye and lie about Winston – and believe it – if he was going to pick up a knife too, then I didn’t feel anyone was safe.

I told him it was the only reason I left him. Not because I wanted to, but because I felt I had no choice. I told him it was the biggest single sacrifice I’ve ever had to make in my life and I still encounter its scar tissue every day.

We both cried and now it is done.