Chapters (87)
- Cover
- Praise
- Dedication
- One
- Two
- Three
- Four
- Five
- Six
- Seven
- Eight
- Nine
- Ten
- Eleven
- Twelve
- Thirteen
- Fourteen
- Fifteen
- Sixteen
- Seventeen
- Eighteen
- Nineteen
- Twenty
- Twenty-One
- Twenty-Two
- Twenty-Three
- Twenty-Four
- Twenty-Five
- Twenty-Six
- Twenty-Seven
- Twenty-Eight
- Twenty-Nine
- Thirty
- Thirty-One
- Thirty-Two
- Thirty-Three
- Thirty-Four
- Thirty-Five
- Thirty-Six
- Thirty-Seven
- Thirty-Eight
- Thirty-Nine
- Forty
- Forty-One
- Forty-Two
- Forty-Three
- Forty-Four
- Forty-Five
- Forty-Six
- Forty-Seven
- Forty-Eight
- Forty-Nine
- Fifty
- Fifty-One
- Fifty-Two
- Fifty-Three
- Fifty-Four
- Fifty-Five
- Fifty-Six
- Fifty-Seven
- Fifty-Eight
- Fifty-Nine
- Sixty
- Sixty-One
- Sixty-Two
- Sixty-Three
- Sixty-Four
- Sixty-Five
- Sixty-Six
- Sixty-Seven
- Sixty-Eight
- Sixty-Nine
- Seventy
- Seventy-One
- Seventy-Two
- Seventy-Three
- Seventy-Four
- Seventy-Five
- Seventy-Six
- Seventy-Seven
- Seventy-Eight
- Seventy-Nine
- Eighty
- Epilogue
- Acknowledgements
- Extract from To Keep You Safe
- About the Author
Instead, I am left with me. And I don’t think about what I have done, I really don’t. It’s just . . . sometimes, if I was careless and I looked directly into my son’s eyes, I knew I could really see my father. How funny he has come back to get me, not through dreams but through my own body. It’s like standing in a cave and shouting, and now my own scream has come back, bouncing off the stone walls of time, finding its way back to me.
I press my hands against my forehead. I think I’m going to have to stop the echo.
‘I’m going to accept it, Nick.’ I say it and it surprises me – I can see by his widening eyes that it’s surprised him too. ‘I still think,’ I add carefully, ‘that he’s not the best parent for Jack. But I can’t fight it. I’ve got no rights. Besides, perhaps I’m not much better.’
‘Oh, Lisa,’ he says and squeezes my arm. ‘Obviously, I don’t really know little Jack as well as I probably should, but it’s been great catching up with him tonight and he’s a lovely boy. Bright, sweet, you’ve clearly done a great job. Again. You’ve done a great job again.’
I ignore the flattery. ‘You promise me though, Nick, if you’re supporting this, you have to keep in touch with Jack. I bet his dad won’t let me, but you have to speak with him on Skype or something at least once a week if they don’t live near you and be careful to watch for signs that he’s happy. Or unhappy.’ Even as I say it, my heart breaks because I understand just how impossible a task that is. Nick doesn’t even really know him.
But finally I see that there’s nothing I can do.
I debate just how I might fall apart tonight, when Nick’s phone rings. It’s her: his wife, I think. Anne-Marie.
He answers it. ‘Oh, hi!’ He sounds surprised. He glances at me, before subtly turning his body away from me. ‘Yes, we are done here.’ I watch him closely. He seems relaxed; I can tell by his shoulders, his easy movements away from the table. He doesn’t want me to hear this conversation.
‘Oh!’ he says, instantly changing. He looks at me now. ‘Why?’ His voice is a bark, and he frowns. ‘Where?’ He sounds cross. What has she done?
‘I’m coming. Don’t go anywhere. No! Now. Now. I said so, didn’t I? I won’t be long.’
He stares at his phone as if it has let him down. ‘Fuck,’ he says.
He looks at me like he’s trying to move rusty cogs in his jaw. What has she demanded? I wonder.