Chapters (87)
- Cover
- Praise
- Dedication
- One
- Two
- Three
- Four
- Five
- Six
- Seven
- Eight
- Nine
- Ten
- Eleven
- Twelve
- Thirteen
- Fourteen
- Fifteen
- Sixteen
- Seventeen
- Eighteen
- Nineteen
- Twenty
- Twenty-One
- Twenty-Two
- Twenty-Three
- Twenty-Four
- Twenty-Five
- Twenty-Six
- Twenty-Seven
- Twenty-Eight
- Twenty-Nine
- Thirty
- Thirty-One
- Thirty-Two
- Thirty-Three
- Thirty-Four
- Thirty-Five
- Thirty-Six
- Thirty-Seven
- Thirty-Eight
- Thirty-Nine
- Forty
- Forty-One
- Forty-Two
- Forty-Three
- Forty-Four
- Forty-Five
- Forty-Six
- Forty-Seven
- Forty-Eight
- Forty-Nine
- Fifty
- Fifty-One
- Fifty-Two
- Fifty-Three
- Fifty-Four
- Fifty-Five
- Fifty-Six
- Fifty-Seven
- Fifty-Eight
- Fifty-Nine
- Sixty
- Sixty-One
- Sixty-Two
- Sixty-Three
- Sixty-Four
- Sixty-Five
- Sixty-Six
- Sixty-Seven
- Sixty-Eight
- Sixty-Nine
- Seventy
- Seventy-One
- Seventy-Two
- Seventy-Three
- Seventy-Four
- Seventy-Five
- Seventy-Six
- Seventy-Seven
- Seventy-Eight
- Seventy-Nine
- Eighty
- Epilogue
- Acknowledgements
- Extract from To Keep You Safe
- About the Author
He covers his face briefly. ‘My mistake. When you rang, I was literally keys in hand, about to go shopping, Anne-Marie was in a tizz about guests we had due and I felt bad, back-footed because Jack had asked that I ring you and I didn’t . . . I forgot, things were busy. I did ask you to call me back. I wanted to explain properly, but you didn’t call back. It was easier for me to let it go.’
‘All that plotting with him.’ I shake my head, bewildered. ‘I’m so shocked that you’d help him set up round the corner from me and not find a space in your life to clue me in.’
‘Don’t get angry. I realise I was wrong. Truth is, Leese, I just put it off. I knew you’d go mental about it and . . . I just put it off. Too long, I know. I am sorry.’
I didn’t know what to say to him. I just felt overwhelmingly heartbroken. I thought of us kissing by the bus stop, that first time; his hands in my hair, the urgency of his mouth. I thought of us lying in bed, making sure that every bit of our bodies were touching whilst we stared into each other’s eyes. And now, even when he was in the neighbourhood seeing our son, there was nothing left for me . . . no wanting to see me. I felt ridiculous for thinking it, but I realised for the first time that Nick wasn’t even a little bit in love with me anymore.
Not even a little bit. It seemed so incomprehensible, when I felt like I did, that we’d had so much love and – for him at least – it had drained to nothing.
I sit there, trying to breathe. The drugs have dug in deep now; I can survive anything. And it feels good: now I’m on the safe ground of righteousness because Nick let me down. No one could pass that off as a medical misunderstanding; this was not me getting it wrong. I realise it’s time to dig in: I want Jack back.
It was me that lifted him to safety. ‘Nick, no more of this. The facts are plain. He was keeping him in a cage. The flat was disgusting, poo on the floor, mess everywhere.’ I lifted my chin. ‘I want an apology for saying I ruined our son’s little set-up. Then I want you to come upstairs and help me rescue Jack.’
But Nick doesn’t ask after the cage. I thought he would; I thought his eyes would widen and he’d interrupt and say: What cage, Lisa? Jack didn’t mention that. And then I would tell him, and Nick would become angry and say: You did right, Lisa. I understand now! Let’s go and tell Jack now that you must have the boy and we’ll fight him all the way. Together!