BooksBarbecue
Back What I Did
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

For a moment, I felt like the noise of the people around us had turned mute. In the chaos of my life was this little island that I visited once a week, and I was watching it being smashed by a cyclone.

She looked so sad and I felt so sick, I just didn’t know what to do. I had read once that if one wasn’t sure how to answer a question, one should simply ask a question back. ‘What do you think I should do?’

She inhaled audibly. ‘We think you should leave Nick.’

I put down my cup and stared at it. I couldn’t look up at her. The café felt hot – too hot. This was my nightmare.

‘We will support you . . .’ She gripped my arm. ‘We’ve talked it through but, honey, I really hope that you see this is for the best, because of Jack.’

‘Jack?’

‘You must worry about the effect on him. We haven’t seen him for a little while, I know, but we really care about him like we care about you.’

They hadn’t seen Jack for over a year. When the women in our NCT gang all went back to work after a year, Friday was the only day everyone was free; Irene, Nick’s mum, had agreed to look after Jack on a Friday and I was reluctant to change it not least because I had a little routine where I’d have a coffee with them first thing, then go straight on and do the family shop for the week. I’d tried Jack in nursery and he didn’t like it, so the one day felt like a chance to get chores done.

But boy, did I miss him now. I wanted to cling to him and breathe him in and shut out Issy and the reality of what was happening. I couldn’t think properly. I felt so hot and so utterly humiliated; all I could smell was the sweet fug of banana cake, reminding me of how it should’ve been. I realised Issy was looking at me like she expected me to say something. I clutched for my first thought: ‘The effect on Jack?’ I said, still stumbling to understand what they meant.

‘Nick’s violence. Obviously we don’t understand –’ she gave me a heartfelt shoulder squeeze – ‘the extent of what you’re suffering, but it can’t be good for Jack.’

I swallowed against the dry of my throat.

‘Nick might get worse.’ She leaned forward and lowered her voice: ‘What if he doesn’t just hurt you but starts to hurt Jack?’