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Back What I Did
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

Perhaps that’s why I hold his son so close. Perhaps that’s why I breathe in his skin as he sleeps. Perhaps that’s why I graze my nose across his cheeks. Because I think of his daddy when he was young. Because I wish I had done that with him. Because none of us can truly go back and change the things we got wrong, but when baby Jack was born, so like his father before him, and when Selena died leaving my son needing me for the first time since he was a child, himself now bewildered and overwhelmed with the responsibility of being a lone parent, it was perfect for all of us for me to step in and take over the main parenting role. After all, some mothers are the same age as me when they have their babies. As I pushed his pram, everyone just assumed I was his biological mum and – somehow, between the wanting and the needing, it became an almost truth.

And he needs a mother: I am his mother now because Selena is gone. I think of her as I stare at the cottage that contains her partner, my son, and her child – now my child.

I forget how it was that she came round one day, when Jack was at work. He’d got a job doing something he wouldn’t discuss, but was making good money. Perhaps she was lonely – perhaps she knew I knew how it felt but after that initial time, she’d started to come round every day. I was happy to encourage her; it gave me access to beautiful Jack. I’d put a chair in the garden for her and I would hold Jack while she smoked. She smoked a lot. She’d watch me through the kitchen window. I always thought she cut a lonely figure, sitting there, watching me from the outside, looking in. I tried talking to her, but unlike Mungo, she was reluctant to engage in conversation. She didn’t want to talk about anything, she just wanted to watch me look after the baby and smoke, silently, the cigarette always so twitchy in her hand.