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Back What I Did
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

I rang the bell again, suddenly impatient to be in. I wanted to be amongst my mother’s overfilled flat with too many throws, too many plants. The place stank of incense which I suspected she used to cloak the smell of pot, a habit no doubt she’d acquired in prison. I guessed Mrs Dale and she got stoned every night – Mrs April Dale, another ex-lifer my mother knew from her time in Holloway, lover of talking edgy politics and YouTube conspiracy theories of global control and now my mother’s neighbour. Probation must’ve settled loads of ex-offenders in this block. I wondered what the neighbours would think, if they knew.

Sometimes my mother and Mrs Dale were so tight, it irritated me. I wished my mum had made some new friends, people who were less ‘prison’ than April was. Now she was out, it seemed a shame that she was keeping the same habits and the same company. I wanted something different for her. A couple of times I’d tried taking my mother to one side to complain about April, asking her to send her home so as not to influence little Jack. But then there would usually be something like a scream of laughter and we’d peep round the corner and see April doing something irritatingly brilliant like playing cards with him, once chasing him with a beautiful orangutan hand puppet she must have brought for him, or reading to him in an attentive way.

And then I would typically just feel mean and childish and would promise myself that I wouldn’t do it again until the next time. My mother told me that I just didn’t ‘like sharing’ – that I never had. It made me feel like crying, because all I’d ever done was share her. The fact that April would’ve spent more time with my mother than I ever had, and that now she was her neighbour she got to spend every day with her, just felt like a massive injustice.

I pressed the intercom again and heard it ring – I felt desperate to see my mum. Right now, even April would be welcome.

No answer.

I felt skittish. It wasn’t unusual for my mother not to hear the bell . . . but still. My mother barely answered it on the first or second ring. She said she was always too busy to hear it but the truth was I think she might’ve been getting a little deaf and was too vain to admit it.