Do say: ‘I feel upset about what happened between us. What can we do to fix it?’

Don’t say: ‘I’ll never forgive you for treating me this way!’

Do say: ‘I’d like to understand more about why you said what you did. Can you explain what made you feel that way?’

Don’t say: ‘Why are you being so bitchy?’

Do say: ‘How can we make our friendship stronger?’

Don’t say: ‘I’m so sick of you! Forget it!’

Hi Cathy

My best friend is great at a lot of things like dance, drama and singing, but there’s nothing very special about me. I feel really dull and boring, like I’ll always be in her shadow.

Nina, age 12

Nina is letting envy poison her friendship, and that’s seriously bad news. Part of her jealousy stems from lack of self-esteem – she doesn’t see her own cool, unique qualities because she’s so busy feeling envious of her friend! Nina feels outclassed, but friendship is not a competition… real friends admire and support each other’s talents and good qualities. Nina has to start rating her own good points and learn to feel happy about them… then she won’t feel so threatened by her friend’s talents.

Dear Cathy

My friend Shanie has got in with a bad crowd. She doesn’t seem to bother about school any more, and she’s started smoking. She says it’s no big deal. I’m really worried about her.

Hasmita, age 12

Dear Cathy

My mum doesn’t approve of my best friend and hates me hanging out with her. My bezzie can be a rebel, but she’s a great friend and is always there for me. I wish my mum could just see that.

Leanne, age 14

Sometimes, a friend seems to go right off the rails. Hasmita is right to be concerned – a sudden change of character can signal problems at home. She could try letting Shanie know she’s worried – if there is something more behind this, Shanie may just find the courage to open up about it. Often, an attempt to help a friend who is heading for trouble can meet with a brick wall, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t at least try – it shows your friend you care about her, and that’s important. If that happens here, all Hasmita can do is step back – and be there as a friend if and when Shanie needs her in the future.

Leanne’s mum may seem disapproving, but her concern, like Hasmita’s, stems from worry. She sees Leanne’s friend as a bad influence, someone who may drag her down, wreck her life, mess up her school record, lead her into all kinds of trouble.

Leanne needs to realize that her mum loves her and is trying to protect her, but also knows that her friend is loyal and supportive. She should talk to her mum about this and encourage her to get to know this girl properly. Leanne may not totally change her mum’s mind, but talking things through can only help.