Isobel, age 12

Domestic violence is wrong. It’s not OK to hit people… end of story.

Bethany knows that what her mum is doing is not right, and that’s why she invented the story about falling off the swing when her teacher asked about the bruises. Sadly, though, Bethany believes that her mum lashes out because she, Bethany, is ‘bad’. If someone tells you you’re bad often enough, you start to believe it – it chips away at your confidence until you feel worthless.

Bethany isn’t ‘bad’. Even if she were badly behaved sometimes, it wouldn’t matter – her mum does not have the right to hit her. Domestic violence is not the fault of the person being hit. It’s all about the anger and violence bubbling up inside the one who does the hitting. They are to blame, always.

Bethany cannot help her mum to get the assistance she needs to control her temper unless she speaks out. It will take courage, but she should talk to the teacher who asked her about the bruises and explain what is going on. Social services may become involved because they will want to be sure that Bethany is not in danger, but once the problem is out in the open both Bethany and her mum can find the help and support they need to build a stronger, more loving relationship – one without violence.

Isobel too is living a lie. Her family looks happy from the outside, but on the inside it’s a very different story. Alcohol and violence is ripping the family apart from within, and turning love to hate.

Isobel’s first step should be to talk to her mum and ask how she is coping. Talking may help both Isobel and her mum, perhaps paving the way towards finding help and support, or working out how to change things. It may be that Isobel’s mum is not ready to face the truth or find the courage to do anything about it. That will be hard, but Isobel can find support elsewhere – a trusted teacher or a helpline can offer help and advice to make her feel less alone.

Living with violence is frightening, so don’t try to bottle up the fear. It’s OK to speak out and ask for help – you are not alone.

Dear Cathy

Something very bad has happened. Last week, my dad’s friend gave me a lift home, and at one point he pulled over and touched me in a really horrible way. He said that I was a little flirt and that I can’t tell because nobody would ever believe me. What can I do?

Danielle, age 12

Sometimes, adults let us down badly. Danielle knows that what her dad’s friend did was very wrong, but she is scared to speak out. Her abuser has planted a seed of doubt in her mind that she somehow encouraged his behaviour and is somehow to blame.

Danielle is NOT to blame. She didn’t flirt, but even if she had it would make no difference… her dad’s friend is in the wrong. He is an adult, and not only did he betray Danielle’s trust and that of her family, he also broke the law. That’s why he is so keen for her to stay silent about what happened. What happened to Danielle is sexual abuse, and it is never, ever acceptable.