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Chapters (83)
  1. Cover
  2. Title Page
  3. ALSO BY ROBERT MUCHAMORE
  4. PART ONE
  5. 1 SLASHED RUBBER
  6. 2 NOT HARRY POTTER
  7. 3 A THOUSAND BUCKS
  8. 4 SOFIA SILVER
  9. 5 DEL TACO
  10. 6 RAINBOW ROAD
  11. 7 BEAUTIFUL FREAK
  12. 8 CHEESY BALLS
  13. 9 DAZED AND CONFUSED
  14. 10 NEW-BABY SMELL
  15. 11 GOON SQUAD
  16. 12 ONE-LEGGED GRANNIES
  17. PART TWO
  18. 13 SNor
  19. 14 GOOD LUCK, CHARLIE
  20. 15 BEEF AND COKE
  21. 16 CHEF CHANNING
  22. 17 MAD BOMBER
  23. 18 BLOODSHOT
  24. 19 MANSPLAINING
  25. 20 NAPALM DROPS
  26. 21 BETSY & MEL
  27. 22 TERRIBLE TRIO
  28. 23 VICE PRINCIPAL
  29. 24 HOT OR NOT
  30. 25 JUICE JET
  31. 26 LANA’S TINY FEET
  32. 27 SEXY TOAST
  33. 28 COLGATE CHEST
  34. 29 TEACHERS ARE DICKS
  35. 30 DEVELOPMENT KITCHEN B
  36. 31 D IN MATH
  37. 32 BLOODY LOVE SCIENCE
  38. 33 EARLY BIRD
  39. 34 PATIENT Q
  40. 35 ALL A BIT CRUMMY
  41. 36 SAMURAI COP II
  42. 37 DIRTY SHAKE
  43. PART THREE
  44. 38 FREE FLOOR MATS
  45. 39 BREAKING BAD
  46. 40 LOVE SHACK
  47. 41 INDUSTRIAL RELATIONS
  48. 42 ONE-ONE-SEVEN
  49. 43 KILLER-T
  50. 44 SPOILED BRATS
  51. 45 BACK TAXIS
  52. 46 DEAD BIRTHDAY
  53. 47 TEAM MANGO
  54. 48 TWELVE-PIECE BUCKET
  55. 49 CLYDE’S DONGFENG
  56. 50 HAVING WORDS
  57. 51 BOUNCING BOYS
  58. 52 ZOMBIE SMASH
  59. 53 OLIVE PALM DRIVE
  60. 54 IGNITION
  61. 55 BUST
  62. PART FOUR
  63. 56 DEAD BUGS
  64. 57 ONE-POINT-SIX BILLION
  65. 58 PEER PRESSURE
  66. 59 GREEN FINGERS
  67. 60 TERATOMA TUMORS
  68. 61 WHIPPED CREAM
  69. 62 LIVING HIGH
  70. 63 MONEY, MONEY, MONEY
  71. 64 CARDBOARD THE PIG
  72. 65 BUBBLEGUM
  73. 66 BIG ONION
  74. 67 FAMILY REUNION
  75. 68 UNSEEN POTENTIAL
  76. PART FIVE
  77. 69 STONE DEAD
  78. 70 NO MODS ALLOWED
  79. 71 THE ACCOUNTS
  80. 72 SISTER MIRACULOUS
  81. 73 SLEIGHT OF HAND
  82. PART SIX
  83. 74 HARRY II

He’d figured this was a long shot, but the assistant backed into the store’s mostly empty racks and returned holding a bulky pack in each hand. They were some weird brand Ellie had never seen, but it was still a miracle.

‘Size two, ninety-two per pack,’ the assistant said, holding them up to the glass. ‘You want?’

‘Yes I want,’ Ellie said triumphantly. ‘I ordered a super-jumbo pack online, but they’re not gonna show until the quarantine ends. Do you just have the two boxes?’

‘The only others I have are size four,’ the guy said. ‘Anything else you need?’

‘All good,’ Ellie said.

‘The total with tax comes to one hundred and forty-eight, sixty-two. The credit-card system is down, so it’s cash only.’

Ellie felt stung, knowing ninety Huggies cost twenty-eight bucks in Walmart. But he counted seven twenties and two fives and dropped them into a counter tray saturated in sterilising UV light. His change rattled down a plastic chute. He grabbed the diapers through a hatch and threw them on to the back seat, before settling back behind the wheel.

In the two years since SNor the US government had spent billions on planning for another synthetic virus outbreak, and three blocks down Ellie turned right into a checkpoint manned by National Guard officers in bright yellow biohazard suits.

A rubber-gloved hand made a halt signal and tapped Ellie’s registration into a computer strapped to the opposite wrist. After a few seconds, the suited creature stepped forward and signalled for him to put down the window.

‘Do you have an emergency travel authorisation?’ she asked, a speaker on her mask giving a Darth Vader quality to her voice.

Ellie shook his head. ‘I tried to submit an application, but the online system is swamped.’

‘What’s the purpose of your journey?’

‘I’m picking up my mother-in-law from her apartment. She’s sixty-nine and diabetic. Her carer can’t get to her so she’s going to stay with us till this blows over.’

Or we’re all dead …

The hooded guardswoman nodded. Her colleague waved a police car and a couple of other vehicles through as Ellie handed over his licence and gave his mother-in-law’s name and address. When this was done, the woman disappeared inside a truck and returned with a quarantine authorisation sticker, which she stuck to the windshield.

‘Mr Gold, I’m giving you ninety minutes to collect your mother-in-law and return to your home address. I’m going to waive the six-hundred-dollar ticket for breaching quarantine, because we appreciate there have been problems with the trip-authorisation website. However, if you are stopped a second time, there’ll be a twelve-hundred-dollar fixed penalty, and people who persistently breach quarantine regulations may be detained for an indefinite period.’

‘Thank you kindly, ma’am,’ Ellie said, shuffling to peel his sweaty back off his seat before rolling through the barricade and on down the deserted street.

46 DEAD BIRTHDAY