Once you stop being a doormat, you start asking all kinds of questions… and Marisa is clearly in the process of working out whether this friendship is one she wants to continue with. It may be worth her talking honestly to her friend about how she’d like things to be more equal.

Some friends are bad for us. They’re the ones who try to change us, who want us to do things we don’t want to do. Perhaps they put us down the whole time, or make us feel bad with their negative moans or bitchy gossip. Friends who play games with our feelings are especially toxic. A bad friendship can destroy your self-esteem and mess with your head. Don’t stay in a friendship that is getting you down. Step back, put a little space between you and look around for some better friends.

If you’d like to give a flagging friendship one last chance, though, by all means give it a go. If a heart-to-heart isn’t helping to patch things up, ask your teacher for some help to sort out the problems and smooth things over. Most things can be fixed if you both want to fix them – and with effort on both sides, the most unlikely friendships can be rescued!

Help!

A while back I fell out – big style – with my best mate. We’ve been working on it and we’ve made up, but our friendship is still shaky. I don’t want to lose her, but things just don’t feel the same.

Molly, age 13

Dear Cathy

My friends have started to leave me out of things. Sometimes they do stuff and don’t invite me, and some days they don’t even let me hang out with them at break. They always have excuses, but I know I’m losing them and it makes me feel so sad!

Kirstin, age 10

Friendships are not always forever. Maybe there’s a row or a falling-out, as happened with Molly, or maybe it’s more of a slow drifting apart, as is happening with Kirstin. Either way, it hurts!

Molly can see that although her friendship has been patched up, there are still cracks in it – cracks that could one day break things apart for good. She can prepare herself for this by stepping back from the friendship a little and getting to know new groups of people. Once things don’t feel quite so intense, Molly may even find a way to keep this friendship ticking over… even if it’s no longer quite at best-friends level.

Kirstin is in a tougher situation. She wants to stay close to her friends, but finds herself constantly isolated and pushed aside. This is chipping away at her confidence and making her miserable… not good. Kirstin’s friends have already moved on – they’re just not honest enough to come right out and admit it. Kirstin needs to look around for new mates who will treat her with more respect.

Friendship is always a work in progress… it changes all the time, because we are changing too. You can never have too many friends! Don’t expect one friend to fill all of your needs – that’s a pretty tall order. If your best friend lets you down, what then? It’s great to have a best friend, one special person who ticks all the boxes, who knows you inside out, but as you get older you will almost certainly find you are broadening your friendship base and making new mates. That’s great!