I had thought so many times about the number of tablets I could stash and if I could use them to my advantage when the time was right. Without Ben here, was there really any point to me any more? And if there was no point to me, what would be the point of a baby?

Take the pills, take the pills.

I didn’t deserve to feel numb, I reminded myself. I needed to feel the raw pain and take my punishment. Either that or finish myself off with them.

I caught sight of myself in the mirror next to the bed. My face looked twisted and unfamiliar. My hair was unkempt. I had not had it cut since, well, I couldn’t even remember when. It was almost touching my backside. A sudden image of me just a few months ago with Eve in our flat flashed into my mind and then there was panic rising though my chest. I ran to the bathroom and fell to my knees. I tried to breathe normally but I was acutely aware of my own breathing, my mouth filled with saliva and I found despite the heat, I was shivering.

There had to be answers to all of this. But I couldn’t talk to anyone. I was clearly mad. They would lock me up and take the baby away from me.

I took several long breaths and blew them out slowly until I could feel the panic dispersing. I flushed the toilet and got myself straightened up and opened the bathroom door.

Then I was face to face to with Annie. My heart, which had begun to slow, was now galloping along at an alarming speed.

‘Everything okay, Daisy? You were in there an awfully long time…’

‘I’m fine.’ I pushed past Annie and headed back to the bedroom.

‘It’s just, it’s a rather nice day today. Not sure how many more of these we will get. I heard there was a cold spell headed. You should make the most of them. The baby needs sunlight for strong bones,’ Annie was almost at my heels as she followed me into the bedroom.

‘Yes, I will go out later.’

‘Well. Just make sure you do, Daisy. I want my grandchild healthy.’ She walked out of the room. I pulled my hair back into a ponytail. What had Annie just said? Her grandchild? Something about the way Annie had said ‘her’ grandchild made it sound as though she was making a claim over it and, through the dense pain and thick fog of depression that was still filling up around me, I felt a flickering of something that felt like a protective instinct.

Against my natural desire to crawl into bed and roll myself under the sheets, I took myself outside for some fresh air.

I could feel her stares from the kitchen window as I sat in the garden with my head tilted towards the sky and soaked up the healing rays of the spring sun. Annie must have been wrong about the bad weather that was due because the sun was as warm as it had been for weeks and there was blue all around me.