I nodded. I knew all right. I had felt the perpetual ache of hope in my breasts, lulling me in, making me believe my body had created a baby that this time would stay in my womb long enough to develop.

She introduced herself as Jenny and held her hand out to me. I was presented with a beautiful green and gold vintage ring on the wedding finger of perfectly manicured hand. I took Jenny’s soft hand in mine and looked up at her again as she smiled down upon me, almost regally. She had perfectly white teeth and a soft pastel red shade on her lips which complemented those naturally rosy cheeks. I tried to suppress the bitter feeling of jealousy that was stirring in the pit of my stomach but I couldn’t shift it. This woman was like a golden goddess. How was it that some women got all the luck? They had looks to die for and could get pregnant without thinking about it. Here I was struggling to hold on to one baby in my womb.

‘I’m Grace,’ I said then realised I had been holding Jenny’s hand for a few seconds longer than necessary, but Jenny didn’t seem to mind or notice.

‘Oh, what a beautiful name. Do you have any children?’

I released Jenny’s hand and shook my head looking down at the counter. I began re-organising the recipe cards that were laid out neatly in front of us.

‘Not yet. But we’re working on it.’

‘Oh well, you’re still young! I know friends that had their first in their forties. When you do, you’ll love it. They are a handful, I can’t tell you they aren’t. But they are worth every second of the aggro. It’s all I wanted to do, to have kids. Started as soon as we were married.’ She leant into me again, that scent of her clinging to me. ‘Well, maybe just a little bit before if I’m honest. Don’t tell my eldest though!’ Jenny laughed and nudged me. It was all I could do to force a smile. ‘I just can’t live without the little blighters. But things are…’ Jenny paused. ‘Things change, don’t they? All I know is, I need to touch up on my culinary skills. Especially now there will be another mouth to feed. My husband likes to cook and my mum, well you know mums, she was such a great cook. She could do anything with anything. That’s what I want to be like, to be able to make something from nothing. Do you know what I mean?’ Jenny smiled and cocked her head to one side. I nodded again, because I did know what Jenny meant, more so than she or anyone would ever be able to understand.

12

DAISY

The sound of the morning traffic was strangely comforting. I like to hear everyone rushing off to work knowing that I have a few free hours before I head off for my four back-to-back classes. Others might be up at the crack of dawn making the most of their time, but for me, this was making the most of it. I suppose I should have been one of those people fearful of their own company especially when time flows before you like an endless expanse and opens up opportunity for thought. Being alone with one’s thoughts could be very dangerous. But somehow it didn’t work like that for me. These times spent alone didn’t fill me with fear or dread. I didn’t sit and drag up the past or think about what has been done. You can’t change the past. There is only now and I had been alone for long enough. I was a big girl. I could handle my own. When you keep all your secrets locked up so far away that even you can barely reach them, then all is well in the world. I was safe. No one knew the real me. The things I had done. The hurt I had caused. Not Ben, not Eve. And not Annie.