‘What a fool he is. Such an old man. Thinks we can’t afford another. But what’s one more I told him, when we already have three!’ Her voice was high and strained. ‘Better make this the last one.’ She spoke softer. I looked at Jenny’s stomach which after three babies was clearly showing the signs of a healthy baby bump. The baby that Jenny was carrying was obviously an inconvenience and whilst she appeared to be immaculately turned out, I now saw the tiny tear in the hem of her skirt and the scuffs on her high heels. She was wearing the same outfit she had been wearing the week before. She was clever at making herself look well-presented, as the way she did her hair made it appear, but it was now obvious to me that Jenny and her family struggled. She probably wasn’t even paying for the classes; she had made it clear that she knew Emily well and I had not yet noted Jenny’s name on the register where everyone else had a tick under the word ‘paid’.

I wondered if the baby Jenny was carrying was one created from love and would it ultimately be unwanted. It made me realise how life could be so cruel. How I had wanted a baby so dearly and how it would make my husband happier, how I would never be enough for him. Now I had what I wanted, I would hold onto this baby tighter, do as much as I could to make sure it stayed safe. Back then I actually had had daydreams where I thought the baby could be the glue to heal the marriage. Whereas in Jenny’s case it was tearing hers apart. I reached over onto the counter and touched her quivering hand. Jenny looked at it and I could see in her eyes that she knew what I had seen, sometimes there is just no hiding things from other women, and we don’t even need to say anything.

The lesson began and Jenny seemed to relax a little more into the moment. Intermittently, Mikee would show his face under the counter and Jenny would toss him a bit of pastry to knead in his chunky little hands, he grinned up at me and I did a peek-a-boo back at him.

When the class had finished, I touched Jenny on her arm. ‘I’ll see you next week?’

‘Oh gosh, yes. Wouldn’t miss it for the world. Look at us two, like a real pair of Mary Berrys.’ Jenny chuckled and motioned for Mikee to come out of his play den under the table. When he stood up, he smiled at me.

‘Say bye bye to Grace, Mikee,’ Jenny said.

‘Bye bye,’ Mikee said softly and waved with his little chubby arm and if it wasn’t for the foetus growing inside me, I would certainly have felt the crushing weight of a childless existence bear down on me even harder.

38

DAISY

Looking back now, I realised it was this very day that was the turning point. The point at which I became the most vulnerable and when I allowed everything to turn sour. To date I must have been living in some sort of dream. I hadn’t been completely thinking straight. I think I was just sleepwalking through each day rather than allowing my feelings to surface, I was pushing them down, hiding them. From Annie. I didn’t want her to see me at my most raw. I didn’t want her to see me weak.