‘Well, check you out, you’ve been doing your homework.’

‘You know I like to read stuff.’ Ben left my side and wandered over to the large window. The part of the flat I knew he adored – being able to have that light brought into this room was a blessing we both appreciated.

‘Yeah I do.’ I took the moment as Ben’s back was turned to steal a surreptitious glance at the time on my phone. I had to leave in five minutes. I think he knew that and he had chosen his timing carefully; slowly introducing the idea that he was mulling something over but knowing that we were short enough on time that he wouldn’t need to follow through if he didn’t want to. It would be parked, ready to take up again when he felt ready. Who knew when that would be?

‘I dunno.’ Ben suddenly appeared less wistful ‘I’ll read up a bit more about it. There’s so much to know, isn’t there, about the mind and the body. I don’t know how Eve does it, where she stores it.’ That was that then. Ben wasn’t going to divulge any more today. In a way I was partly relieved – who knew what was coming? But through the pangs of paranoia, I somehow knew it was Ben and not me that was trying to solve something. I had buried my demons, but as time passed and I got to witness more of Ben’s foibles, the more it became abundantly clear how he had not even come close to putting his to bed. In fact, his had yet to be discovered and I had a terrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, the gut sensation Ben had only just mentioned – for I knew I had married for better or for worse and with Ben, I felt the worst was still yet to come.

13

ANNIE

I decided to start the spring cleaning early this year. What with Christmas over and done with, I might as well start looking forward to the warmer days.

I began by clearing all the cupboards out in the kitchen. I made a right racket, but that was the great thing about living so far away from civilisation, I didn’t need to worry about the noise. I could have a huge party, host a festival on the beach, and no one would bat an eye lid. People didn’t care what went on here. I rarely had any contact with anyone. And I was glad of it. A remote setting was perfect for me. The less I saw of people, the better.

To be as far away from people, that was one of the tasks I had set for myself and I had done it. I had also set out to have a real family of my own. One that produced real love every minute and every second of the day. Even though I was a single mum and we weren’t the family I had envisioned, I was still a mother. That was the most rewarding and special role any woman could ever hope to achieve in life. And I did it. I had to remind myself of that every day, to cover up all the other fears and frustrations. I had achieved what I had set out to do and succeeded.