As shocking as the contents were, they were my key to happiness again. I left the box in the bedroom at the top of my wardrobe and cradled just the papers.

I arrived downstairs and laid the contents in front of Ben.

‘Now, son, take a look at this and tell me that you know your wife and that you love her. Go ahead, take a good long look.’

Ben began flicking through the papers. I knew it would take a few minutes for him to piece the puzzle together the way it had for me, so I waited patiently for the penny to drop and when it did I could not stop the feeling of joy that spread through me. I watched Ben’s head fall in his hands, sickened and shocked by what he was seeing.

20

DAISY

If it wasn’t for the dawn chorus of the birds and the high pained shrieks of the seagulls outside the window every morning I would not know if one day had ended or another had begun. The trills and high whistles had become part of my waking ritual, as I had been asleep by 6 p.m. each night and woke naturally with the rhythm of nature.

Every day that passed I imagined Eve, and what she would look like now. How the natural decaying process of death was taking her piece by piece. As each day passed, I tried to claw it back, filled with despair because that time had already lapsed and despite my hardest efforts to imagine myself back with Eve over a week ago, there was no turning the clock back. Each day I woke with the heavy regret laying hard on my chest. Why didn’t I stop Eve from leaving the bar? I had felt that pull to keep her with me. It was a brief moment, but it was there, that gut instinct that Ben had mentioned to me not too long ago. Now I thought how odd it was that he would be talking to me about such a thing, as though he could already sense something coming. I was in tune with my body. I too felt those gut instincts, yet for some reason, that night, I pushed it away.

And not for the first time in my life either.

Sometimes I wondered what the point to life was if you never learnt from your mistakes.

I let Eve down. For every piece of advice she had given me and every day and night she had been there for me with a wink, a smile, a joke, a song, or just a look, that said, I’m here for you, I will always be here for you, I couldn’t be there for her when she needed me the most.

Eve was all I had. That was it plain and simple. I didn’t seek out others at uni, I just saw her and she saw me and we had a conversation about a song they were playing in the cafeteria and that was it. I didn’t let anyone else in. I never have done since. I turned down offers of work nights out, uni get-togethers, because I never once met anyone else I could connect with in the same way as Eve. I suppose now in hindsight I should have invested more time with other people who showed an interest in me. Then I wouldn’t feel as alone. Of course I have Ben, but we’ve known each other for such a short space of time, I’m still figuring him out and vice versa. And then the baby will come. But it will need me.