I wouldn’t have known the baby was out except for the fact Annie was wailing. ‘He’s here. My son is here.’

I was so delirious I knew I wasn’t hearing right. I turned around and let Annie lift him to the surface and onto my chest.

‘We need to let the umbilical cord do its thing for a few more minutes, to keep pumping the blood. It’s really good for the baby.’ I could see Annie was shaking. I was shaking too from all the adrenaline racing around my body and for a few seconds both of us stayed there together silent, I cradled my son in my arms and Annie leant over the pool, perspiration around her forehead. She looked adoringly at the baby. It was a look similar to the one I had seen as she had tended to her garden, but a more intense version. All that coarseness was gone. Her face had softened and she looked almost unrecognisable. I could feel the joy creeping through my body and I was so overwhelmed I began to cry again. Annie took her eyes from the baby for a moment and looked at me.

‘Ah, don’t cry, girl. You did well. Bringing this into the world. I have scales, we can weigh him later. Shall we cut the cord now? I know how to tie it. I watched a video.’

I watched as Annie took the scissors and cut the umbilical cord, then clamped it with a plastic clip. The baby started to wriggle. So far, he had been silent. Then he began to cry a loud penetrating cry

‘Good lord. What a set of lungs,’ Annie sang. ‘I’ll wrap him up and hold him whilst you wait for the placenta.’

‘What?’

‘The placenta. It comes out after the baby. Shouldn’t be long.’ Annie held out her hands and for the second time in my life, I reluctantly handed over my newborn baby.

57

ANNIE

As I held the child in my arms for the first time I was filled with such joy. I didn’t realise it was possible to feel such a way. Surely these sorts of emotions had to be paid for, they didn’t come for free.

How was it possible to have such life in your hands? It was incredible. This little wriggling mass of particles was alive and letting the world know he had made it. Against all the biological complexities, he kept growing and changing and getting stronger each day until he pushed his way out into the world. I knew I was going to love this little life harder than I had ever loved anyone.

58

GRACE

As I stood there in Emily’s kitchen on that final day with Jenny, I praised myself for my ability to stay calm. I was able, I found, to not change the expression on my face even though I knew my world was already tumbling down on me. The sensation was familiar, as I had been here so many times before. I felt very hot, beads of perspiration appeared on my forehead and my mouth filled with saliva. I hoped it wouldn’t be too painful. But I was lucky I was able to withhold emotions and not allow anyone to know how I was feeling nor know what was going on inside my body.