I couldn’t understand. A few minutes ago, I was on the verge of being able to help Jenny, of being the one she confided in. I had invested my thoughts in her, worried for her safety and now she was brushing me aside, as though it didn’t matter. I could feel something building within me, an anxiety, a bitterness. I didn’t want to be made to feel anything but wanted and needed.

43

DAISY

There wasn’t much of a change as the days went by. I had to keep talking myself round, telling myself it was going to be okay. Even though I didn’t believe it, I told myself anyway. Occasionally I thought my heart was going to jump right out of my chest. If I wanted to, I could stop taking the pills, save them up one by one until I had enough to take at once and do permanent damage. Then I wouldn’t need to wake up and still feel as though I were living in a nightmare.

Another morning arrived with another pill. I looked at it in my hand, ready to stash it away. I only needed to do that for a few more weeks and then everything would be okay. It would all just, stop.

The fear in the pit of my stomach was still there. The random thoughts, the guilt.

I took some time to walk about, spend time downstairs and absorb the hazy light of the spring evenings. I went through the motions. Doing all the things I felt I should do. But why wasn’t it changing? All I had was the trust I could invest in myself. But I was never one to be trusted. Not by anyone. I thought of this time, these precious moments I should have been spending with Ben, each kick of the baby should have been shared with him, but I was doing it alone. As I had done once before.

I could feel the weight of Annie’s stares as I wandered around the garden and lounged in the summer house. She always seemed to be there, around a corner pegging out washing or at the side of the bed removing used crockery.

I was in bed most days by 7 p.m. I had established some sort of monotonous routine. Doing things to distract myself from the feeling. The darkness that crept around my body and prevented any joy or happiness from entering. I wished I could wash it away. But I didn’t know how. I tried to cast my mind back to the early days with Ben when I was completely obsessed with him and him with me. It felt so long ago yet we hadn’t even reached our first anniversary.

That night I washed and dressed for bed as usual, taking extra care over my teeth. I had suddenly become panicky of them. It came from nowhere, but it felt like it was something very real. I was worrying that the pregnancy was going to make them all fall out. I’m sure I felt a loose one the other day. I imagined myself an unhealthy toothless woman and I had begun to obsess about it. Watching what I was putting in my mouth. Not consuming any sugar. Annie thought I was doing it for the baby and had praised me for my efforts. But she had no idea the lengths I was going to each day. The amount of time I was thinking about things that would never normally cross my mind. I looked at them now in the mirror. They didn’t look like my teeth any more.