But right then, I didn’t feel alone. I was growing something, one was becoming two.

A fresh start was all I needed. Me and the baby. My husband’s punishment would be that for the rest of his stupid selfish life he would never know his son or daughter. I would be the mother to a child he would never know existed. Some might think that was cruel on the child, but I knew what my husband was capable of. He was a selfish man, who gave up on me because I wasn’t as fertile as all the women his brothers married. That wasn’t love. That was a convenient situation for him, whilst it lasted. Then he got bored of waiting for the thing he couldn’t have and left me.

It was May and the trees were filled with blossom. I saw my life in those full trees, new life and hope. I was ready to let go of everything and start a fresh.

I was pregnant with my husband’s child. It should have been a miracle to celebrate with him but I was facing my future alone.

31

DAISY

I allowed another week to trickle slowly by like thick treacle. I was finding it difficult to walk, each step becoming more obvious with the weight of the baby.

I touched the bump. I tried to feel some connection with it, but I just couldn’t. Even when Ben was here, I couldn’t do it. I was a terrible person. I tried not to think about what would happen when the baby was due in a few months. I tried not to think about how I had already failed this baby so much. I tried not to think how it wasn’t the first time either.

Instead I let a blanket of hopelessness envelope me like a cloak. I wasn’t counting the days, I was letting them pass and they skirted by. I mostly lolloped around the house like an unemployable teenager. Tiredness crippled me daily. I was so unused to it, it left me completely debilitated. I let Annie carry on doing everything whilst I tried to sink into the shadows, but I always felt as if I was being watched by her. She cooked and she seemed to be patient and at times it could even be perceived as kindness; I wasn’t sure. But I was here and she hadn’t told me to leave so I stayed. Although I felt in limbo. I needed to make a decision about my life, about where I would live. I couldn’t keep putting off the inevitable. That I was going to be a mother and I was going to have to do it alone.

I laid in bed listening to the clanking of the pipes, deciding whether or not it was worth getting up. I knew eventually Annie would bring up a cup of coffee or tea if I didn’t emerge downstairs.

Then my phone pinged the sound of a text message. And my heart leapt into my throat. I grabbed my phone and quickly navigated my way into the texts. Ben’s name was staring back at me. I opened the text and straight away I felt my thudding heart slow with the despondency that filled my body.