It only took an hour before the first contraction came, which was soft and slow. I didn’t call out to Annie initially. I hid in the bathroom first, crouching on all fours. I wanted to keep those first few to myself because I knew that once I was in established labour I could lose control and I wouldn’t be in the moment like I was now. I walked around the house a little before I then went and sat on the bed with my lower back very straight against the bottom of the headboard. I allowed myself to relax into the moment and tried to push out the sounds of the house. The creaking pipes of the hot water as Annie washed up downstairs, the slow whoosh of each wave through the window I had ajar. I closed my eyes and breathed in and out and allowed the soft contractions to come and go imagining them as the waves I could hear just beyond the wall. I did this for what seemed like a long time and when I looked at my phone, half an hour had passed. I didn’t want Annie to be with me, egging me on. But I didn’t want to be at a hospital either, where all the memories of Alice would come back. I had thought very little about the baby throughout the pregnancy because of how guilty I felt about Alice, the memory of how I had failed her played over and over in my mind daily. But one thing I had thought about was this moment, and I imagined I would share it with Ben, that instead of the scared little girl I was the first time round, this time I would have the strength of my husband to help me through.

However, Ben wasn’t here and I knew I would need to turn to Annie eventually – but right now I needed to be alone. So I shut my eyes and took very long deep breaths.

I opened my eyes. Something had changed. There was a sensation taking shape within me. What was it exactly, I couldn’t be sure. An excitement to meet the child that Ben and I had created together maybe? Wherever he was now, whatever he may be doing, we created the child out of love. I would always be sure of that. I would always be able to tell the child that. And maybe once the baby was here, everything would work itself out. Ben would come back and we would find a way back to how things were.

55

ANNIE

I found her eventually at the bottom of the garden. I don’t know how she had managed to slip by me. I must have been so busy setting up in the lounge. She thought that I wouldn’t know she was now in established labour, but I could tell by the way she had been walking from room to room, feigning interest in a magazine article. I could hear her breath, the way it had become laboured and I could see her mouth closing into a small ‘O’ shape and slowly blowing out.