As I arrived at his level, Mikee was clinging to a blue crocheted blanket. I could see he now recognised me from the weeks I had grinned at him under the counter. He gave me one of his special smiles.

‘Hi, Mikee.’ I held my hand out and Mikee thrust out one chubby arm to greet me.

‘Hi,’ he squeaked.

I knew what Jenny was saying to me, even if she didn’t speak the exact words.

I knew what I was meant to do. The messages were all there.

I bent down and put my handbag over my shoulder. Then I lifted a compliant Mikee into my arms from where he closed his legs around my waist. I took a last look around the room and saw Jenny and Emily to the side of the kitchen. Jenny was standing next to Michael with her back to me, her hand tentatively placed on his shoulder as he sat on the chair sipping his tea. I headed for the door with Mikee taking one last look over my shoulder towards Jenny.

‘Mummy,’ he whispered into my shoulder as I walked out of the door and I tightened my grip and squeezed him harder.

64

DAISY

I could feel palpitations fluttering deeply in my chest, I felt sick. My mouth was dry from whatever Annie had last given me; it was obviously more than I had usually taken, but it wasn’t enough. My body wasn’t going to take it today. I could feel the empty heavy dragging feeling in my belly, where my son had been but a few hours earlier. I found my way downstairs and allowed my instinct to take me through the lounge, past the kitchen door and down the hallway that I had had never needed to walk down before, towards a back door that led out to the side of the house. Then I heard the noise, the clanking, I put the light on and found I was standing on a heavy red antique rug which I had observed many times over from a distance. My attention was brought to the clanking I had heard in the bedroom, a sound I automatically associated with the age of the building and due to the amount of drugs I had been taking, I never really fully acknowledged it. But now I knew better. All those nights I had lain there and been lulled off to sleep stuck between depression and a drug-fuelled state, I presumed I was imagining the melodic structure to the sounds because I heard music so often when it wasn’t there.

But now, I suddenly felt more free, the birth of the baby had heightened my senses, and my mind and soul surged with maternal instincts and oxytocin was flooding my body, my instinctual urge made me fall to my knees and I pulled back the rug. It was heavier than I anticipated, and I felt every part of my body ache as I did so. I was still surprised when I saw the large metal bolt and round handle. A cellar. No one had ever mentioned a cellar. I was merely following a hunch. The bolt was heavy and didn’t shift easily but with one hand on top of the other I was able to pull it and lift the handle.