It was dark, I was in the place somewhere between awake and asleep. Somewhere I was familiar with recently and it felt very comfortable to be there. I could hear banging. Was it coming from me, in my chest? I began to rouse myself a little more. The sound continued. It was a familiar noise something I had heard before. It was comforting, it was a sound that was pulling me towards consciousness. Bang bang bang… the baby. It was trying to get out? My eyes shot open. I could now feel my own heart pounding. I reached for my phone to see the time. It was just after 6 a.m. and starting to get light. The room was quiet. No banging. The window was closed. I had been dreaming. There was a glass of water and a pill on the bedside table. I had been taking them twice daily now, but for what? I accepted them because of how much pain I was in over Eve and the loss and anger I felt over Ben. A thought came to me. What if I didn’t take the pill today? I had been taking them for so many weeks now, surely they couldn’t be doing the baby any good.

But I was numb with them. The idea of experiencing a tsunami of emotions that related to Ben, Eve and the baby terrified me.

I rolled towards the bedside table, put the pill on my tongue and took a long gulp of water.

41

ANNIE

In hindsight it was a ridiculous thing to have done. I had wanted to hear the baby’s heartbeat for myself, to check everything was as it should be. I had read so much online recently and checking the baby’s heart at home was something a lot of mums were doing these days. It had been impossible to get anything out of Daisy in terms of what the baby was doing, how she was feeling or anything to do with the pregnancy, so the Doppler seemed the obvious option. I hadn’t realised for a moment it would trigger some sort of maternal instinct in Daisy. All those tears. She knew she wouldn’t be good enough for this baby and I didn’t need to confuse her by letting her hear and think otherwise.

Daisy’s pregnancy and imminent arrival of my first grandchild was making the memories of those early days with Ben come back alive, finally getting the boy I had hoped for. I couldn’t ever imagine myself with a girl. I think I wanted a boy in the beginning for Rory. Every man hopes for their own son. But in the end, I wanted a boy for me. I wanted that tender dependency coupled with fearless adventure-seeking that boys were renowned for being with their mothers. But until Daisy came along, Ben was happy with just me. As a child, Ben was careful, thoughtful, never one to take chances. I always wondered if and when things might change. And they had. Things had definitely changed. I felt the longing for the innocence again.