28

GRACE

I arrived at the cookery school that morning as though I was carrying a glow around me. Something had occurred overnight. Just when I thought it was all over, that I would never become a mother and my marriage was truly ended, my husband was there beside me, He had been sleeping downstairs for some time, then just last night he came to me quietly. I had been asleep for over an hour when I heard the bedroom door open. At first I was alarmed. I sat up in bed holding the sheets to me for protection. Then he climbed in next to me. He embraced me gently and then with such vigour that I had never before experienced. He left as quietly as he had arrived. I thought he would stay and sleep next to me, but he picked up his pile of clothes from next to the bed and he was gone. The next morning as I tuned in occasionally to the pleasant ache between my legs, I couldn’t keep the smile from my face.

At Emily’s house I kept thinking about my husband and I in bed. From time to time, I tried to push it aside, other times I played it out in my mind, toying with it like a cat with a mouse; attempting to hang on to every move and breath when he was next to me for those few brief minutes.

Then there was Jenny. Sweet, beautiful Jenny. Pregnant with her fourth child. I looked on at her with such hope and inspiration. I clung to the notion that there was a possibility that my husband and I had created another life just a few hours previously as I watched her swelling belly make its way around the room, receiving a stroke here and pat here from her fellow cooks.

I watched with hope and anticipation, that soon that was going to me. Maybe my husband coming to me was his attempt at a reconciliation. Maybe he hadn’t given up.

That night as I lay in bed alone, I prayed.

29

DAISY

It seemed Annie was quite giddy to have me back. And it was a relief to be back amongst the few things I could call my own. I was a little confused as I’d presumed she would want me as far away as possible, especially with Ben not here. But I was starting to think that maybe the baby had had some effect on her, the idea of becoming a grandparent was becoming a reality and that perhaps I could be someone that she could care for. Now I needed to make sure the idea of me becoming a parent became a reality. For so long now I knew I had been pushing the idea aside and not truly accepting that it was going to happen. But it was hard. Even though I knew what I needed to do I still couldn’t force the feelings to come. It was too reminiscent of my past. I was scared. And the one person I needed to be here, so I could off load all of my fears, was gone. Perhaps if I had been honest with Ben in the first place, then maybe he would have stayed, realised just how much he was needed.