As I looked around at the cloudless sky and the vast endless flat sea. I felt a sensation, of something that felt like possibility. As I played with that positive thought, I felt a firm kick from the baby and I allowed myself to interpret that as confirmation. I laid my hand on my stomach and pressed firmly down on the little foot that was trying to burst out of me. I thought about the tablets I had been stashing. I would flush them away; I didn’t need them. There was a baby in me desperate to live and it needed me to live too.

47

ANNIE

I was a serial mattress-turner, something that Daisy perhaps didn’t know about me. I couldn’t stand the idea of a mattress getting all squashed down in one place, they needed turning to keep them fresh all over. And what with the amount of time Daisy had been spending horizontal in that bed, it was all I could think about to get the thing turned every time I looked at her.

I was surprised to find what Daisy had been using the mattress for – to hide the tablets I had been giving her. I presumed I had got her into a state of mind where she believed she needed them.

And there she was, her face raised to the sun like she didn’t have a care in the world. All the while, my son was somewhere else, forced away by her, everything had changed, because of her. I had encouraged her to get outside of course but for the sake of the baby. Vitamin D was important for healthy bone growth. And I needed my grandson to be strong.

Suddenly she was there, in the doorway. Her face had such a healthy glow to it.

‘I need a drink.’ Daisy picked up the water filter jug. ‘It’s warm out there.’ She looked at me as I sliced the vegetables extra meticulously, my agitation manifested in the size and structure of the carrots.

‘Can I help?’ She poured herself a glass of water.

‘You might chop off a finger, Daisy. No, not in your condition.’

‘I’m pregnant, Annie, not incapable.’

I placed my knife down on the chopping board and turned and looked at her.

‘No, not incapable, I have never said you are incapable. You were perfectly capable to get yourself into this situation. Tell me, how did you get pregnant in the first place? How does a bright young girl get herself into such a silly situation so early on? I mean, who could blame you, my son comes from good stock. Classically tall, dark and handsome, who wouldn’t want to breed with him. No doubt that little baby of yours will be just as strong, healthy and clever as he is.’

I watched with pleasure as her face that had been so full of colour, drained to a non-descript grey.

‘I forgot to take a pill – and I am married to him, Annie!’