So… can families be trained?

Super Strict?

Help, Cathy

My parents are so old-fashioned!

They don’t approve of sleepovers, short skirts, teen mags, make-up… even sweets! And I don’t think I’ll be allowed a boyfriend until I’m about thirty. Help!

Rhona, age 12

Dear Cathy

My mum and stepdad are super strict. They set rules that are really hard to keep, and if I miss the bus home on a Saturday, for example, or come in late from a friend’s house, I get grounded. I spend so much time grounded it’s a miracle I ever set foot outside at all.

Caoimhe, age 11

Rhona and Caoimhe both have strict families, but at least they know the rules, even if they don’t agree with them! The question is, can those rules be changed? Well, maybe, with a little gentle persuasion!

Rhona needs to look for a compromise. Perhaps she is happy to put up with the sweet, make-up and teen mag ban in exchange for a girly sleepover with her friends? If so, she can prepare her parents by inviting her friends over and letting them get to know each other, then asking if a small sleepover with just one or two friends is possible – perhaps as a birthday treat? If permission is given, she needs to make sure they have as much fun as possible, but keep inside the rules – no eating chocolate cake in bed at three in the morning while watching horror movies, OK?

If this goes well, Rhona’s parents may then allow her to stay over at her friend’s houses. By taking things slowly, trying to understand their concerns and sticking to the rules, Rhona can push the boundaries a little.

Full-on make-up may be out, but how about lip gloss/salve on cold days or cover-stick on zitty days? Rhona might try bargaining for a choc bar once a week, on the grounds it’s better for your teeth than boiled/jelly sweets. If teen mags are out, she could get together with friends and create her own – like Ginger and Shannon in GingerSnaps. Short skirts may be a no-no, but how about jeans? As for boys, the trick is for Rhona to find someone her parents can’t help but approve of… worth a try, anyway! Keep the lines of communication open and see what you can negotiate.

Caoimhe’s problem is slightly different. She knows the rules, but she keeps on breaking them because she doesn’t think they’re fair… and so she keeps on being punished. Caoimhe needs to earn her parents’ trust, and that could take forever unless she learns to cooperate. If Caoimhe’s parents want her home on a certain bus, there’s a reason for it – and every time she fails to appear on time, she shows them that she doesn’t care about their rules or their worries. Equally, constantly missing your curfew is a bad plan. If you can’t be trusted to be in by nine, why would anyone offer you an extra hour’s freedom?