Serena’s father’s name is William and Holly told us that he came round their house one time to hand out leaflets with pictures of dead foetuses and her father christened him Willy The Right To Life. Her father said he was an asshole and a bullshit surgeon and he spent more time on his knees than he did operating. I don’t know if any of that is true. But I knew that if ever Serena’s father found out about her fucking boys, with or without condoms, and so far it was all without, or so she said, he would either kill her or throw her out whichever came first. My mother isn’t religious but she voted against abortion. She subscribed to The Floodgates Theory, which is basically if we do anything about anything the arse would fall out of everything else including shit we hold dear. My dad didn’t vote. I don’t think my brother was old enough to vote at the time but he would have voted the same way as my mam because that’s what he’s like. People know how you’ve voted, even though it’s a secret ballot. They can say, Oh that house votes for so and so. I don’t know how that gets out, it’s like some secret system. When Serena’s father met my mam after the referendum he said, We won. My mother just looked at him. She thinks doctors are gods but she doesn’t like him. You don’t have to like gods.

I asked Serena once about the sex thing and her father and what he would say if he found out. She said he would kill her. She said he never did anything wrong. She didn’t even know how she was conceived. She couldn’t possibly imagine her father Having Actual Sex, knowing what she knew about it. It must have been the fucking Immaculate Conception then, I said. Like, I said, everybody knows enough to know that. She just laughed like there was a big secret. There are not as many secrets as people think and the ones that are real are important. You can see sex on the net any day. It’s just what does it feel like? No way all the ooohing and aaahhhing that goes on is for real. Like they’re not even good actors. They’re crap actors as a matter of fact. It’s well known. Otherwise famous people like Brad Pitt or Cillian Murphy would be doing porn on their days off. Everybody loves Cillian Murphy’s eyes. He would be the superbitch pornstar of all pornstars.