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Back Suzy Suzy Save as PDF
Chapters (90)
  1. Cover
  2. By the same author
  3. SUZY SUZY
  4. Copyright
  5. Contents
  6. Glossary of Dialect Terms
  7. 1
  8. 2
  9. 3
  10. 4
  11. 5
  12. 6
  13. 7
  14. 8
  15. 9
  16. 10
  17. 11
  18. 12
  19. 13
  20. 14
  21. 15
  22. 16
  23. 17
  24. 18
  25. 19
  26. 20
  27. 21
  28. 22
  29. 23
  30. 24
  31. 25
  32. 26
  33. 27
  34. 28
  35. 29
  36. 30
  37. 31
  38. 32
  39. 33
  40. 34
  41. 35
  42. 36
  43. 37
  44. 38
  45. 39
  46. 40
  47. 41
  48. 42
  49. 43
  50. 44
  51. 45
  52. 46
  53. 47
  54. 48
  55. 49
  56. 50
  57. 51
  58. 52
  59. 53
  60. 54
  61. 55
  62. 56
  63. 57
  64. 58
  65. 59
  66. 60
  67. 61
  68. 62
  69. 63
  70. 64
  71. 65
  72. 66
  73. 67
  74. 68
  75. 69
  76. 70
  77. 71
  78. 72
  79. 73
  80. 74
  81. 75
  82. 76
  83. 77
  84. 78
  85. 79
  86. 80
  87. 81
  88. 82
  89. About William Wall
  90. An Invitation from the Publisher

Guard: Ah now, if someone was murdered sure we’d know about it. Missing persons and that. We get told. But if someone turns up dead, we’ll call you back. Did I get your mobile? I did. I have it here. Good night now, love. Take care, byebyebye.

My mam asked me what was in the purse. It was still the Bake Off. I told her. I didn’t mention the condoms – once was enough. She whistled. Well, it’s not whistling, she can’t whistle. It’s a sort of whistling sound she does in the gap between her two front teeth. But like, she’s sucking the air in not blowing it out. It’s not technically whistling unless it’s coming out.

Mam: That’s a lot of money.

Me: That’s what the cop said.

Mam: Guard.

Me: That’s what the guard said.

Mam: Don’t call him cop.

Me: I won’t.

Mam: They’re guards.

Me: I know.

Mam: Did you eat your chop?

Me: I did.

Mam: For once. If I see it in the bin I’ll slaughter you.

Me: I ate it. I was hungry. Like I eat food, it’s just KFC. It’s not real.

Mam: You’ll eat what’s put in front of you, my lassie.

Me: What were you shouting at Dad about?

Mam: None of your business. It’s a business problem.

These are the times when I hate her. When she’s sat there like some kind of expert on everything and whatever happens I’m wrong. I know nothing. I do nothing right. And at the same time I don’t exist. Not by comparison with the Bake Off. Which is considering the question of some kind of yeast.

She stared at the telly for a minute then she said, There’s a homeless guy sleeping in Avondale Close. Dad is trying to get the Simon to take responsibility for him. That’s what they’re for, isn’t it? Homeless shelters. They don’t give a shit really, quite frankly. They’re a waste of taxpayers’ money.

Me: I thought you were getting divorced.

I used to think I would die if they got divorced but just now I was hoping they would, except for what it would do to my dad. It would save me killing her and getting a life sentence for matricide. You never get away with that kind of thing.

She gave me one of her looks. Like she’s thinking, Where did I get this child? Now the telly was saying Text BAKE to 70005. That’s the end. My mam never texts BAKE. She flicked the remote. Channels started to come up one after the other. I don’t know how many channels we have but I know you get the porn ads right out towards the end and you better have the mute on. I went to my room.

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