BooksBarbecue
Back Suzy Suzy Save as PDF
Chapters (90)
  1. Cover
  2. By the same author
  3. SUZY SUZY
  4. Copyright
  5. Contents
  6. Glossary of Dialect Terms
  7. 1
  8. 2
  9. 3
  10. 4
  11. 5
  12. 6
  13. 7
  14. 8
  15. 9
  16. 10
  17. 11
  18. 12
  19. 13
  20. 14
  21. 15
  22. 16
  23. 17
  24. 18
  25. 19
  26. 20
  27. 21
  28. 22
  29. 23
  30. 24
  31. 25
  32. 26
  33. 27
  34. 28
  35. 29
  36. 30
  37. 31
  38. 32
  39. 33
  40. 34
  41. 35
  42. 36
  43. 37
  44. 38
  45. 39
  46. 40
  47. 41
  48. 42
  49. 43
  50. 44
  51. 45
  52. 46
  53. 47
  54. 48
  55. 49
  56. 50
  57. 51
  58. 52
  59. 53
  60. 54
  61. 55
  62. 56
  63. 57
  64. 58
  65. 59
  66. 60
  67. 61
  68. 62
  69. 63
  70. 64
  71. 65
  72. 66
  73. 67
  74. 68
  75. 69
  76. 70
  77. 71
  78. 72
  79. 73
  80. 74
  81. 75
  82. 76
  83. 77
  84. 78
  85. 79
  86. 80
  87. 81
  88. 82
  89. About William Wall
  90. An Invitation from the Publisher

Holly told me a story about a neighbour of hers who had a cat that liked hunting. One day the cat came home with the next-door neighbour’s pet rabbit all covered in blood and muck. She panicked and gave the rabbit a wash and blow-dry and sneaked into the neighbour’s garden and put the rabbit back in the hutch. This happened two more times. On the morning after the third event she met her neighbour. Something weird is happening, the neighbour said. My rabbit was knocked down by a car a few days ago but she has risen from her grave three times.

Holly thinks it’s hilarious. She tried to tell it to Miss Leahy our Religion teacher. You can’t escape Religion in my school. Even though Holly is a Conscientious Objector they make her sit in the back of the class and do her homework in case she might absorb holiness by osmosis. She says it is Subliminal Advertising. I googled it and she could be right.

Whatever. I caught my mother praying one night. She was kneeling against the couch with the Bake Off on mute. She had her hands joined like you see. I said, What are you doing, Mam? And she totally flipped out. She went from the prayer position to nuclear in one swift movement.

Your father has a heart attack and you JUST JUST carry on JESUS CHRIST I don’t know where I got you, you NEVER TIDY YOUR ROOM, look at you, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA? YOUR FATHER NEARLY DIED. JESUS CHRIST –

She didn’t even stop when I backed out and closed the door.

19

According to Miss Leahy religion is all about meaning. But get this: God created the world out of chaos, then he created man, then he organised the days of the week so that Sunday was boring af, then he had the Jews faffing about trying to find the Promised Land which turns out to be Palestine which is an excuse to kill Palestinians, then he sent his own son to be crucified like you do, then he encouraged his true believers to crucify a lot of other people to save their souls, then finally we get Sunday Mass, The Blessed Sacrament, Forgiveness Of Sins, The Parish Fucking Priest, The Pope, Michelangelo, The Sacrament Of Marriage, The Assumption Of The Blessed Virgin Into Heaven and Giving Up Sweets For Lent. If I ever saw a completely fucking random get-up, this is it. Like he should have left it at chaos. If God was the CEO of a Fortune 500 company he would be toast by now. Come to think of it, maybe he’d just be a billionaire and making a major contribution to Global Warming and the Extinction Of Planet Earth aka Armageddon. Which is kind of cool, when you think about it; chaos coming again. Come back, God, all is forgiven lol.