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Back Suzy Suzy Save as PDF
Chapters (90)
  1. Cover
  2. By the same author
  3. SUZY SUZY
  4. Copyright
  5. Contents
  6. Glossary of Dialect Terms
  7. 1
  8. 2
  9. 3
  10. 4
  11. 5
  12. 6
  13. 7
  14. 8
  15. 9
  16. 10
  17. 11
  18. 12
  19. 13
  20. 14
  21. 15
  22. 16
  23. 17
  24. 18
  25. 19
  26. 20
  27. 21
  28. 22
  29. 23
  30. 24
  31. 25
  32. 26
  33. 27
  34. 28
  35. 29
  36. 30
  37. 31
  38. 32
  39. 33
  40. 34
  41. 35
  42. 36
  43. 37
  44. 38
  45. 39
  46. 40
  47. 41
  48. 42
  49. 43
  50. 44
  51. 45
  52. 46
  53. 47
  54. 48
  55. 49
  56. 50
  57. 51
  58. 52
  59. 53
  60. 54
  61. 55
  62. 56
  63. 57
  64. 58
  65. 59
  66. 60
  67. 61
  68. 62
  69. 63
  70. 64
  71. 65
  72. 66
  73. 67
  74. 68
  75. 69
  76. 70
  77. 71
  78. 72
  79. 73
  80. 74
  81. 75
  82. 76
  83. 77
  84. 78
  85. 79
  86. 80
  87. 81
  88. 82
  89. About William Wall
  90. An Invitation from the Publisher

This evening my mam was watching telly. She had a glass of wine. She drinks Sancerre. I’ve had some. It’s not bad. It’s a sort of high-class Chardonnay. Tbf I don’t like wine, but Sancerre is ok. It’s French. They must know something about making wine they’ve been at it for a while. I said, Everything OK, Mam? She said, Yep, your chop is in the oven and oven chips. I was thinking, if my dad just confessed that he had a love child by a Moroccan lady, she was taking it pretty cool. Maybe I was wrong. So I told her about the purse. She said ring the guards. Tomorrow was Saturday. Maybe somebody reported it missing.

So I rang the station. Guards are thick.

Guard: Could you put your mammy on the phone for me?

Me: She’s watching The Great British Bake Off. She never misses it. Or Master Chef. Like foodie programmes are trending in my house big time.

Guard: Is there any witness to this?

Me: Like The Dog?

Guard: Did you tell anyone? Your mammy and daddy?

Me: My mam told me to ring.

Guard: Why didn’t you bring the purse with you?

Me: The Dog took it, like it was nearly dark, he wanted to eat it, you know, dogs. And then I couldn’t find it.

Guard: Why did you give it to the dog?

Me: He took it. I didn’t give it to him.

Guard: Did you notice any contents?

I blushed but he couldn’t see through the phone. There was a mascara…

Guard: A mascara… Is that like make-up?

Me: A tube thingy. For eye make-up.

Guard: A tube…

Me: A wallet…

Guard: Any money?

Me: A good bit. A few fifties at least. I didn’t count it though.

Guard: That’s a lot of money to leave lying around a field now.

Me: And a packet of…

Guard: A packet of…

I took a deep breath. Durex Tingle Me.

There was a long silence. Then: Durex what?

Me: Never mind.

Guard: Could you repeat that, Miss?

Me: A packet of fucking condoms, right?

Guard: I’ll put a packet of condoms down.

Me: Right. A twelve pack.

Guard: Anything else?

Me: There was other stuff. I don’t remember.

Guard: I’ll put, and several other unidentified items.

Me: Right.

Guard: And the location again?

Me: Regan’s Glen.

Guard: Exactly. I know where that is. It’s a long old glen though. Still, if someone comes in about the purse we’ll be able to jog her memory. Now thanks for reporting that so. You’re a good girl.

Me: But what about if someone was murdered?