I kept going back. Who was it? There was no name. The address book was empty. His Mail didn’t link to any email. The stocks app was just the standard stocks. They were all down. The FindPhone was blocked for data. It didn’t want to be found. There were no Voice Memos. The App Store was showing seven updates. He never bothered to update anything. There were no Notes. The Calendar was blank. My dad was a bitch Calendar addict. On his business mobile he got alerts about his morning coffee and when it was time to collect his suit from the cleaners and when the rents were due and when a court case was coming up and when he had meetings and when he had golf and when he was having drinks and when Mam’s period was due even though she’s in early menopause or whatever. On the period days he would always be working late lol. I know the feeling but that option was not available to the rest of us. The Fitness app said he did an average of three thousand steps a day. They say ten thousand is what you need for a healthy heart. Lol. My dad’s heart. The steps peaked between five and nine in the evening. The rest of the time he was sitting in the car or in his office. The phone was probably in the envelope. I never saw my dad walk. Maybe the one time he pissed on the Castlemartin project.

The texts had been going on for months. He never cleared any of them. They were all the same. Where are u? or Going to be late. Once or twice she said: I want u. And he’d reply: Me too baby. Or he’d say it and she’d say: I want u 2. How did I know it was a she? If my dad was gay would he have given his life trying to save our family from homosexuality?

So an affair came down to this. Like a bus timetable. Come to Clarinda Park my dear, fuck and go home, cya, ttyl, I want u, me 2. It was pathetic. It was sad. Like we did Romeo and Juliet. These violent delights have violent ends, And in their triumph die, like fire and powder which, as they kiss, consume. My fucking life I swear.

What did I think of my dad? I didn’t think he had really any interest in human beings. I didn’t know whether to be happy or sad. I knew he had a heart because it killed him, but I didn’t think it felt anything.