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Chapters (90)
  1. Cover
  2. By the same author
  3. SUZY SUZY
  4. Copyright
  5. Contents
  6. Glossary of Dialect Terms
  7. 1
  8. 2
  9. 3
  10. 4
  11. 5
  12. 6
  13. 7
  14. 8
  15. 9
  16. 10
  17. 11
  18. 12
  19. 13
  20. 14
  21. 15
  22. 16
  23. 17
  24. 18
  25. 19
  26. 20
  27. 21
  28. 22
  29. 23
  30. 24
  31. 25
  32. 26
  33. 27
  34. 28
  35. 29
  36. 30
  37. 31
  38. 32
  39. 33
  40. 34
  41. 35
  42. 36
  43. 37
  44. 38
  45. 39
  46. 40
  47. 41
  48. 42
  49. 43
  50. 44
  51. 45
  52. 46
  53. 47
  54. 48
  55. 49
  56. 50
  57. 51
  58. 52
  59. 53
  60. 54
  61. 55
  62. 56
  63. 57
  64. 58
  65. 59
  66. 60
  67. 61
  68. 62
  69. 63
  70. 64
  71. 65
  72. 66
  73. 67
  74. 68
  75. 69
  76. 70
  77. 71
  78. 72
  79. 73
  80. 74
  81. 75
  82. 76
  83. 77
  84. 78
  85. 79
  86. 80
  87. 81
  88. 82
  89. About William Wall
  90. An Invitation from the Publisher

And my mam had to go too because she was a director in the company. And she couldn’t believe what was happening because he didn’t tell her beforehand. At least that’s what she kept saying when they got home. I can’t believe this is happening. And my dad was just like, Whatever. He kept saying they weren’t going to get him and my mother kept saying you can’t beat the Revenue and he said, If you owe them two euro you can’t beat them, but if you owe them two million you hold all the cards. My mam just went like LOL. Like I think that was something he read somewhere. No way would my dad come up with something as stupid as that on his own. The Revenue is like The Great Satan to my mam, resistance is futile, so she was saying they should sell the houses and pay the debt. But my dad was saying no way, they bought most of them during The Boom and they were in negative equity since The Crash, they wouldn’t even clear their mortgages, did she want them to end up owing the tax to the banks instead of the government? The Crash didn’t hurt my dad very bad because when people can’t afford to buy houses they have to rent them, and people sell their houses cheap and my dad buys them. It was a win-win situation for him, or so he said. But now it turns out he wasn’t paying any tax. Maybe that wasn’t such a big win. And my mother was talking about leaving him unless he sorted it out and he was saying, Take it easy, there’s always a way.

I swear I would die if they split up. Never mind the murder business. I know there is something wrong with me ffs.

And then my dad says, like out of the blue, totally unconnected: That fucker Bowles up at Ballyshane, he joined the fucking golf club.

Like it was the end of the world.

As far as my dad was concerned this represented a massive betrayal on the part of the committee who tbh didn’t even know my dad hated him and wouldn’t give a shit anyway, money is money and golf clubs are all about money. Like I would have thought Bowles was too short for a golf club, but maybe they have mini ones. Like toy-size sticks. And my dad wouldn’t be able to play up there any more. Even though he only plays there when he is Doing A Deal. My dad is the most unfit man I ever met. He gets heavy breathing on the stairs. And it’s not because Mam is upstairs waiting for him. Holly says he is a Cartoon Capitalist Fatcat. Less like a cat there is no one in Ireland. My dad is more of a Cartoon Capitalist Slug frankly.